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Showing posts with label polygamy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label polygamy. Show all posts
Monday, July 14, 2008
PATHS
We all started off down the same path, during our various journeys we CHOSE to make turns which varied from others who chose before, during and/or afterwards, BUT this does not make their choice any less warranted then that of your own my Sisters.
POLYGYNY is a multi-faceted exploration through your own personal tolerance levels and emotions..quite often I've seen a Sister get the rough end of the stick and then turn and offer "red flag" warnings and encourage the Sister to flee from the intentional/current Husband because she is making a choice that the other wished she did or would never..but does this make it the right choice for the Sister receiving the information/advice???
WE CAN NOT always use polygyny as the band-aid application to cover underlining issues such as lack of respect, values/morals, communication and so forth which should have initially been tackled from early within the pre-existing marriage, this is often a marital issue and for many although they might not admit, their marriage had a weak foundation to begin with and then adding on another Wife to the equation made it even worse as the energy that should have been placed into the already existing marriage will then be placed into the newer marriage especially during the honeymoon phase.
TAKE ME FOR EXAMPLE; yes, I am to be married VERY soon Inshallah. But very often I feel as if some of the advice given is from a somewhat biased point of view, not only that which is given online but also in real life, do not get me wrong I do adore quite a few people who I met online who have been a solid source of dependable advice(you sisters know who YOU are), so of course I am NOT speaking/referring to them. This is not for everybody, but just in case you happen to come upon someone who isn't in what you might feel that should be the most ideal of polygynous marriages, do not take the time to belittle them nor try to scare them away from the idea, instead encourage and provide as much support and information as possible...we are linked via polygyny but come from very different walks of life and that should be taken into accordance when giving advice to others as customs and cultures will often vary.
Pain is pain no matter who is feeling it, many of us who are or have married a Man whom already is a Husband have to endure many mixed emotions for many years just like the initial wife, often times it is no different. Although it(polygyny) is something to be accepted, unfortunately we are not emotionally designed to embrace it with open arms and a open-mind. I've heard of many feeling as if they are going to be a replacement instead of the newly added wife being an addition and it makes me sad that all parties involved do not often share the same point of views(but such is life right?!). I have shed many tears on behalf of my Co-Wife, myself, her child and all of us as a unit, I think about the various ways that we can better the marriages on a whole and it worries me a lot hence me making prayer often.
What many do not understand due to me not writing it is that if it wasn't for me speaking very firmly with my soon-to-be Hubby he would have divorced his Wife long ago, now I am not asking for a reward/biscuit, but not many Co-Wives would go to bat for their CW's prior to being married, mind you there are some..but not all. She is barely in her 20's and needs some guidance as per being a Wife, I would love to offer such..help teach her how to cook and do other duties, I've sent gifts for her and the child..I just do not speak of such often because I do not want to make it seem as if I am boasting as this is not the case.
We can not always speak and give advice to others based off of bitter feelings and resentment, it's wrong on SO many different levels.
Quran aside, there are no daily guidelines to adhere to when opposed with emotions and for those of us who have entered into a successful polygynous marriage.. Alhamdulillaah, but whatever percentage those represent simply does not represent the many who struggle on a daily basis, who's tears overflow onto their pillows at night, entering into a polygynous marriage isn't due to being in dire need or want and the love that comes out of it is no less then which is within a monogamous marriage, sure we are not as socially embraced..BUT WE ARE HERE and not going anywhere anytime soon!
POLYGYNY is a multi-faceted exploration through your own personal tolerance levels and emotions..quite often I've seen a Sister get the rough end of the stick and then turn and offer "red flag" warnings and encourage the Sister to flee from the intentional/current Husband because she is making a choice that the other wished she did or would never..but does this make it the right choice for the Sister receiving the information/advice???
WE CAN NOT always use polygyny as the band-aid application to cover underlining issues such as lack of respect, values/morals, communication and so forth which should have initially been tackled from early within the pre-existing marriage, this is often a marital issue and for many although they might not admit, their marriage had a weak foundation to begin with and then adding on another Wife to the equation made it even worse as the energy that should have been placed into the already existing marriage will then be placed into the newer marriage especially during the honeymoon phase.
TAKE ME FOR EXAMPLE; yes, I am to be married VERY soon Inshallah. But very often I feel as if some of the advice given is from a somewhat biased point of view, not only that which is given online but also in real life, do not get me wrong I do adore quite a few people who I met online who have been a solid source of dependable advice(you sisters know who YOU are), so of course I am NOT speaking/referring to them. This is not for everybody, but just in case you happen to come upon someone who isn't in what you might feel that should be the most ideal of polygynous marriages, do not take the time to belittle them nor try to scare them away from the idea, instead encourage and provide as much support and information as possible...we are linked via polygyny but come from very different walks of life and that should be taken into accordance when giving advice to others as customs and cultures will often vary.
Pain is pain no matter who is feeling it, many of us who are or have married a Man whom already is a Husband have to endure many mixed emotions for many years just like the initial wife, often times it is no different. Although it(polygyny) is something to be accepted, unfortunately we are not emotionally designed to embrace it with open arms and a open-mind. I've heard of many feeling as if they are going to be a replacement instead of the newly added wife being an addition and it makes me sad that all parties involved do not often share the same point of views(but such is life right?!). I have shed many tears on behalf of my Co-Wife, myself, her child and all of us as a unit, I think about the various ways that we can better the marriages on a whole and it worries me a lot hence me making prayer often.
What many do not understand due to me not writing it is that if it wasn't for me speaking very firmly with my soon-to-be Hubby he would have divorced his Wife long ago, now I am not asking for a reward/biscuit, but not many Co-Wives would go to bat for their CW's prior to being married, mind you there are some..but not all. She is barely in her 20's and needs some guidance as per being a Wife, I would love to offer such..help teach her how to cook and do other duties, I've sent gifts for her and the child..I just do not speak of such often because I do not want to make it seem as if I am boasting as this is not the case.
We can not always speak and give advice to others based off of bitter feelings and resentment, it's wrong on SO many different levels.
Quran aside, there are no daily guidelines to adhere to when opposed with emotions and for those of us who have entered into a successful polygynous marriage.. Alhamdulillaah, but whatever percentage those represent simply does not represent the many who struggle on a daily basis, who's tears overflow onto their pillows at night, entering into a polygynous marriage isn't due to being in dire need or want and the love that comes out of it is no less then which is within a monogamous marriage, sure we are not as socially embraced..BUT WE ARE HERE and not going anywhere anytime soon!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
SORRY
..if I take a bit to approve your replies..it is not intentional at all...but rather I prefer to have my private time away from my family and children when typing and it does not always happen at the same time.
NEXT..I appreciate the comments deeply and wouldn't take such a great offense to anything written to the point that I will not publish..life isn't about lollipops and gumdrops and I get that not everybody will come down softly on me..I am thickening up my skin..lol
Since I am still VERY new to blogging..I am not sure if I should be posting all comments sent to me as I feel that some of them are only for my eyes SOOOO if you do not see your comment posted and want it to be..just please let me know as I do not erase any of them..just slightly hesitant.
Overall this has proven to be a positive outlet as I found it almost impossible to enter into my community and expect such open and candid dialog.
So once again many thanks!!
NEXT..I appreciate the comments deeply and wouldn't take such a great offense to anything written to the point that I will not publish..life isn't about lollipops and gumdrops and I get that not everybody will come down softly on me..I am thickening up my skin..lol
Since I am still VERY new to blogging..I am not sure if I should be posting all comments sent to me as I feel that some of them are only for my eyes SOOOO if you do not see your comment posted and want it to be..just please let me know as I do not erase any of them..just slightly hesitant.
Overall this has proven to be a positive outlet as I found it almost impossible to enter into my community and expect such open and candid dialog.
So once again many thanks!!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Some FEARS of being a Co-Wife
Not really into the whole "cheery cheerful" frame of thought today....and so my entry today will be about MANY thoughts and fears that have been bouncing around in my head as of late...are YOU ready?!
- In a matter of less then 7 weeks I will become a Co-Wife to my Husband and I have yet to have met his Wife(which hasn't left me with the easiest of feelings), although he has explained to me time and time again his thoughts of wanting to wait until after we are wed to do the introductions to "make things easier transition wise".
- We've come a long way in regards to expressing our fears and concerns, I just need to work on not taking it as a direct diss/insult and rather just him needing/wanting to vent.
- I have told him to please stop "Dumping" the negatives of his marriage on me because it puts me in a awkward position and how am I to know when and if that will happen to me one day in regards to our personal affairs being shared with her.
- I feel slighted in a way because many of his concerns he has NOT addressed with her(and yet continues to do it with me, with his excuse being that she has not met me yet) in any way, shape nor form and yet finds it so easy to discuss terms of marriage dissolution should it boil down to it in regards to division of property and finances and yet he has not outlined that in his marriage contract with his Wife...so how does this seem fair?! I simply told him that he will remain financially bound to children of him no matter if from his Wife or me as his Wife as well..I could not expect for him to pay for other costs; especially if I will be looking for another Husband should it come to that.
- I have been putting almost 99.2% of my energies into ensuring that we are placing a suitable foundation in place prior to entering into our marriage but there are some VERY trying times that I can't seem to shake that easily and it makes me upset... I just want for her to know me, mind you she knows of me because he told her..BUT we have not spoken~
- Now unless we are all to live underneath one roof(which I do not see happening anytime soon); how are we to divide time?
- Does she get 2 weeks and I get 2 weeks with the exception of birthdays and special occasions?
- What happens when one of us wants to get pregnant, how do we work being able to get him at our house(s) during those vital fertility days? And when one of us delivers; is the other to attend the hospital and offer to make meals and help out with the child(ren)?
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Polygamy vs. Polygyny
As-salaamu Alaikum my sisters and brothers,
Now I am no fool when it comes down to these 2 topics/conversation starters; I am VERY aware of how sensitive of a topic/subject this truly is..BUT it needs to be addressed as per how Allah(swt) wished for us to view it and not how many of us view it from a emotional and psychological standpoint.
From approx. 1591; the word "Polygamy" has been coined to describe marriages in which the Man has more then one wife yielding a host of children as a direct result of the multiple wives. No matter how many times I read and hear my brothers and sisters use the term it makes me want to cringe, we(those in Islam who have either chosen co-wives or have been chosen as a co-wife) are not practicing Polygamy as furthermore the definition states the following:
1 : marriage in which a spouse of either sex may have more than one mate at the same time
- How in the world are we continuing to use such a word when it clearly misrepresents that in which Allah(swt) permits of our Husbands(and Husbands to-be). Approx. 200 years later the correct and/or more fitting term was created to be used is Polygyny; which is defined as the following:
1. :the state or practice of having more than one wife or female mate at a time
Sisters and Brothers alike, lets do our best to always remain informed when choosing to use and apply certain labels to ourselves or fellow Sisters and Brothers
Now I am no fool when it comes down to these 2 topics/conversation starters; I am VERY aware of how sensitive of a topic/subject this truly is..BUT it needs to be addressed as per how Allah(swt) wished for us to view it and not how many of us view it from a emotional and psychological standpoint.
From approx. 1591; the word "Polygamy" has been coined to describe marriages in which the Man has more then one wife yielding a host of children as a direct result of the multiple wives. No matter how many times I read and hear my brothers and sisters use the term it makes me want to cringe, we(those in Islam who have either chosen co-wives or have been chosen as a co-wife) are not practicing Polygamy as furthermore the definition states the following:
1 : marriage in which a spouse of either sex may have more than one mate at the same time
- How in the world are we continuing to use such a word when it clearly misrepresents that in which Allah(swt) permits of our Husbands(and Husbands to-be). Approx. 200 years later the correct and/or more fitting term was created to be used is Polygyny; which is defined as the following:
1. :the state or practice of having more than one wife or female mate at a time
Sisters and Brothers alike, lets do our best to always remain informed when choosing to use and apply certain labels to ourselves or fellow Sisters and Brothers
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