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Salaams
Polygamy is No Big Deal
2 years ago
Monday, July 14, 2008
PATHS
We all started off down the same path, during our various journeys we CHOSE to make turns which varied from others who chose before, during and/or afterwards, BUT this does not make their choice any less warranted then that of your own my Sisters.
POLYGYNY is a multi-faceted exploration through your own personal tolerance levels and emotions..quite often I've seen a Sister get the rough end of the stick and then turn and offer "red flag" warnings and encourage the Sister to flee from the intentional/current Husband because she is making a choice that the other wished she did or would never..but does this make it the right choice for the Sister receiving the information/advice???
WE CAN NOT always use polygyny as the band-aid application to cover underlining issues such as lack of respect, values/morals, communication and so forth which should have initially been tackled from early within the pre-existing marriage, this is often a marital issue and for many although they might not admit, their marriage had a weak foundation to begin with and then adding on another Wife to the equation made it even worse as the energy that should have been placed into the already existing marriage will then be placed into the newer marriage especially during the honeymoon phase.
TAKE ME FOR EXAMPLE; yes, I am to be married VERY soon Inshallah. But very often I feel as if some of the advice given is from a somewhat biased point of view, not only that which is given online but also in real life, do not get me wrong I do adore quite a few people who I met online who have been a solid source of dependable advice(you sisters know who YOU are), so of course I am NOT speaking/referring to them. This is not for everybody, but just in case you happen to come upon someone who isn't in what you might feel that should be the most ideal of polygynous marriages, do not take the time to belittle them nor try to scare them away from the idea, instead encourage and provide as much support and information as possible...we are linked via polygyny but come from very different walks of life and that should be taken into accordance when giving advice to others as customs and cultures will often vary.
Pain is pain no matter who is feeling it, many of us who are or have married a Man whom already is a Husband have to endure many mixed emotions for many years just like the initial wife, often times it is no different. Although it(polygyny) is something to be accepted, unfortunately we are not emotionally designed to embrace it with open arms and a open-mind. I've heard of many feeling as if they are going to be a replacement instead of the newly added wife being an addition and it makes me sad that all parties involved do not often share the same point of views(but such is life right?!). I have shed many tears on behalf of my Co-Wife, myself, her child and all of us as a unit, I think about the various ways that we can better the marriages on a whole and it worries me a lot hence me making prayer often.
What many do not understand due to me not writing it is that if it wasn't for me speaking very firmly with my soon-to-be Hubby he would have divorced his Wife long ago, now I am not asking for a reward/biscuit, but not many Co-Wives would go to bat for their CW's prior to being married, mind you there are some..but not all. She is barely in her 20's and needs some guidance as per being a Wife, I would love to offer such..help teach her how to cook and do other duties, I've sent gifts for her and the child..I just do not speak of such often because I do not want to make it seem as if I am boasting as this is not the case.
We can not always speak and give advice to others based off of bitter feelings and resentment, it's wrong on SO many different levels.
Quran aside, there are no daily guidelines to adhere to when opposed with emotions and for those of us who have entered into a successful polygynous marriage.. Alhamdulillaah, but whatever percentage those represent simply does not represent the many who struggle on a daily basis, who's tears overflow onto their pillows at night, entering into a polygynous marriage isn't due to being in dire need or want and the love that comes out of it is no less then which is within a monogamous marriage, sure we are not as socially embraced..BUT WE ARE HERE and not going anywhere anytime soon!
POLYGYNY is a multi-faceted exploration through your own personal tolerance levels and emotions..quite often I've seen a Sister get the rough end of the stick and then turn and offer "red flag" warnings and encourage the Sister to flee from the intentional/current Husband because she is making a choice that the other wished she did or would never..but does this make it the right choice for the Sister receiving the information/advice???
WE CAN NOT always use polygyny as the band-aid application to cover underlining issues such as lack of respect, values/morals, communication and so forth which should have initially been tackled from early within the pre-existing marriage, this is often a marital issue and for many although they might not admit, their marriage had a weak foundation to begin with and then adding on another Wife to the equation made it even worse as the energy that should have been placed into the already existing marriage will then be placed into the newer marriage especially during the honeymoon phase.
TAKE ME FOR EXAMPLE; yes, I am to be married VERY soon Inshallah. But very often I feel as if some of the advice given is from a somewhat biased point of view, not only that which is given online but also in real life, do not get me wrong I do adore quite a few people who I met online who have been a solid source of dependable advice(you sisters know who YOU are), so of course I am NOT speaking/referring to them. This is not for everybody, but just in case you happen to come upon someone who isn't in what you might feel that should be the most ideal of polygynous marriages, do not take the time to belittle them nor try to scare them away from the idea, instead encourage and provide as much support and information as possible...we are linked via polygyny but come from very different walks of life and that should be taken into accordance when giving advice to others as customs and cultures will often vary.
Pain is pain no matter who is feeling it, many of us who are or have married a Man whom already is a Husband have to endure many mixed emotions for many years just like the initial wife, often times it is no different. Although it(polygyny) is something to be accepted, unfortunately we are not emotionally designed to embrace it with open arms and a open-mind. I've heard of many feeling as if they are going to be a replacement instead of the newly added wife being an addition and it makes me sad that all parties involved do not often share the same point of views(but such is life right?!). I have shed many tears on behalf of my Co-Wife, myself, her child and all of us as a unit, I think about the various ways that we can better the marriages on a whole and it worries me a lot hence me making prayer often.
What many do not understand due to me not writing it is that if it wasn't for me speaking very firmly with my soon-to-be Hubby he would have divorced his Wife long ago, now I am not asking for a reward/biscuit, but not many Co-Wives would go to bat for their CW's prior to being married, mind you there are some..but not all. She is barely in her 20's and needs some guidance as per being a Wife, I would love to offer such..help teach her how to cook and do other duties, I've sent gifts for her and the child..I just do not speak of such often because I do not want to make it seem as if I am boasting as this is not the case.
We can not always speak and give advice to others based off of bitter feelings and resentment, it's wrong on SO many different levels.
Quran aside, there are no daily guidelines to adhere to when opposed with emotions and for those of us who have entered into a successful polygynous marriage.. Alhamdulillaah, but whatever percentage those represent simply does not represent the many who struggle on a daily basis, who's tears overflow onto their pillows at night, entering into a polygynous marriage isn't due to being in dire need or want and the love that comes out of it is no less then which is within a monogamous marriage, sure we are not as socially embraced..BUT WE ARE HERE and not going anywhere anytime soon!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
It's NOT going to happen
Salaam,
Yep, you read right!!! My Co-Wife does NOT want to speak with me and asked for space until she is ready if that day should ever come and with that I have decided to step down and give her the amount of space that she needs.
I feel better within myself that I did not let down/back down until she was able to comprehend that I really required for some sort of communication to be in place between the both of us(and not sayin that future Hubby made it much easier with dragging his feet in the sand)..but at least we all made it to that bridge.
So, as it is I've made myself available whenever that day arrives and in the meanwhile I have been able to apply myself in other areas which need my attention such as..losing weight!!!! Finish decorating my home and just basically enjoy the rest of the summer vacation with my children....and of course getting ready to become a Wife once again..
Yep, you read right!!! My Co-Wife does NOT want to speak with me and asked for space until she is ready if that day should ever come and with that I have decided to step down and give her the amount of space that she needs.
I feel better within myself that I did not let down/back down until she was able to comprehend that I really required for some sort of communication to be in place between the both of us(and not sayin that future Hubby made it much easier with dragging his feet in the sand)..but at least we all made it to that bridge.
So, as it is I've made myself available whenever that day arrives and in the meanwhile I have been able to apply myself in other areas which need my attention such as..losing weight!!!! Finish decorating my home and just basically enjoy the rest of the summer vacation with my children....and of course getting ready to become a Wife once again..
Canada Day
Salaam,
This will just be a small vent but honestly I packed up all of my children and headed to one of the MANY venues who were hosting fireworks themed activities and I couldn't believe the amount of PORK/HOG food stops, I mean honestly where are all of the halal food vendors? It took me almost 1 hour just to walk through the masses just to find a place which was vegan in order to order a lovely and filling(note the sarcasm) order of roasted corn(sigh).
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