Monday, July 14, 2008
POLYGYNY is a multi-faceted exploration through your own personal tolerance levels and emotions..quite often I've seen a Sister get the rough end of the stick and then turn and offer "red flag" warnings and encourage the Sister to flee from the intentional/current Husband because she is making a choice that the other wished she did or would never..but does this make it the right choice for the Sister receiving the information/advice???
WE CAN NOT always use polygyny as the band-aid application to cover underlining issues such as lack of respect, values/morals, communication and so forth which should have initially been tackled from early within the pre-existing marriage, this is often a marital issue and for many although they might not admit, their marriage had a weak foundation to begin with and then adding on another Wife to the equation made it even worse as the energy that should have been placed into the already existing marriage will then be placed into the newer marriage especially during the honeymoon phase.
TAKE ME FOR EXAMPLE; yes, I am to be married VERY soon Inshallah. But very often I feel as if some of the advice given is from a somewhat biased point of view, not only that which is given online but also in real life, do not get me wrong I do adore quite a few people who I met online who have been a solid source of dependable advice(you sisters know who YOU are), so of course I am NOT speaking/referring to them. This is not for everybody, but just in case you happen to come upon someone who isn't in what you might feel that should be the most ideal of polygynous marriages, do not take the time to belittle them nor try to scare them away from the idea, instead encourage and provide as much support and information as possible...we are linked via polygyny but come from very different walks of life and that should be taken into accordance when giving advice to others as customs and cultures will often vary.
Pain is pain no matter who is feeling it, many of us who are or have married a Man whom already is a Husband have to endure many mixed emotions for many years just like the initial wife, often times it is no different. Although it(polygyny) is something to be accepted, unfortunately we are not emotionally designed to embrace it with open arms and a open-mind. I've heard of many feeling as if they are going to be a replacement instead of the newly added wife being an addition and it makes me sad that all parties involved do not often share the same point of views(but such is life right?!). I have shed many tears on behalf of my Co-Wife, myself, her child and all of us as a unit, I think about the various ways that we can better the marriages on a whole and it worries me a lot hence me making prayer often.
What many do not understand due to me not writing it is that if it wasn't for me speaking very firmly with my soon-to-be Hubby he would have divorced his Wife long ago, now I am not asking for a reward/biscuit, but not many Co-Wives would go to bat for their CW's prior to being married, mind you there are some..but not all. She is barely in her 20's and needs some guidance as per being a Wife, I would love to offer such..help teach her how to cook and do other duties, I've sent gifts for her and the child..I just do not speak of such often because I do not want to make it seem as if I am boasting as this is not the case.
We can not always speak and give advice to others based off of bitter feelings and resentment, it's wrong on SO many different levels.
Quran aside, there are no daily guidelines to adhere to when opposed with emotions and for those of us who have entered into a successful polygynous marriage.. Alhamdulillaah, but whatever percentage those represent simply does not represent the many who struggle on a daily basis, who's tears overflow onto their pillows at night, entering into a polygynous marriage isn't due to being in dire need or want and the love that comes out of it is no less then which is within a monogamous marriage, sure we are not as socially embraced..BUT WE ARE HERE and not going anywhere anytime soon!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Yep, you read right!!! My Co-Wife does NOT want to speak with me and asked for space until she is ready if that day should ever come and with that I have decided to step down and give her the amount of space that she needs.
I feel better within myself that I did not let down/back down until she was able to comprehend that I really required for some sort of communication to be in place between the both of us(and not sayin that future Hubby made it much easier with dragging his feet in the sand)..but at least we all made it to that bridge.
So, as it is I've made myself available whenever that day arrives and in the meanwhile I have been able to apply myself in other areas which need my attention such as..losing weight!!!! Finish decorating my home and just basically enjoy the rest of the summer vacation with my children....and of course getting ready to become a Wife once again..
This will just be a small vent but honestly I packed up all of my children and headed to one of the MANY venues who were hosting fireworks themed activities and I couldn't believe the amount of PORK/HOG food stops, I mean honestly where are all of the halal food vendors? It took me almost 1 hour just to walk through the masses just to find a place which was vegan in order to order a lovely and filling(note the sarcasm) order of roasted corn(sigh).
Friday, June 13, 2008
Somewhere in the mix of me posting my last entry I meant to stay on topic..but everybody who knows me IRL knows that when I feel passionately about something..it's not a easy feat..
So what I wanted to share is a online article that I read that basically depicts the views of a young Muslimah who happens to also be the product of a Polygynous marriage(I was so amazed that I had to read the article like 3 times).
Here is a small sample of what is written:
by a daughter of polygyny
To start off, I would like to tell a little about myself. My mother became Muslim when I was a young child. In the beginning it wasn’t very easy for me. I watched my mom go from being a very “cool”, modernized mom to a very conservative one. It started with the clothing. She went from wearing mini-skirts to longer pants, skirts and long sleeve blouses and the headscarf (hijab). Eventually she made the transition into a jilbab (overgarment), and, now Mashallah she even wears niqab. All of this didn’t happen overnight either- it took several years.
Today is a good day! I feel as if I have been able reach out and connect my thoughts and concerns with my future Husband(of course not without the help of you wonderful Sisters!!!!).
For the 1st time in a really long time I am seeing his concern as per the topics that I have been addressing over and over and..(well you get my drift) and AT LAST it is working and he is working towards removing this cloud from over my head and I am so happy that I could do a cartwheel in my livingroom(if I only knew how *mental note*).
I picked up the phone today and called 2 of my Grandmothers who happen to be CW's to one another and just basically was speaking with them briefly about my own soon-to-be CW marriage and was in need of some experienced advice as I grew up seeing them married to my Grandfather and although it wasn't always about smiles and sunshine.... overall they MADE it work as it's been almost 50 years of marriage(with the exception of one of my Grandmothers who left the marriage almost 10 years ago!
None the less they mentioned to me for me and my soon-to-be Husband to ALWAYS be open and as honest as possible with one another..one of my Grandmothers loves to quote:
"what is done in the dark, will always come to light", basically meaning that if you are in the midst of hiding something, it is only a matter of time before it is known to others and most importantly the one to whom you love. Well this is something that I also believe which is why I am bursting at the seams in anticipation to e-mail his Wife to let know her know my thoughts and of course to hear of hers...JUST TO GIVE SOME ADDITIONAL 411, we will be going for our license shortly(which is the practice of many Mosques/Masjids where I reside vs. just getting the ceremony preformed, not totally sure how I feel about this but as it stands..I'm kinda ok with it).
- Trying to leave as much as my naturally rooted hair in place to avoid a hair transplant
Thursday, June 12, 2008
NEXT..I appreciate the comments deeply and wouldn't take such a great offense to anything written to the point that I will not publish..life isn't about lollipops and gumdrops and I get that not everybody will come down softly on me..I am thickening up my skin..lol
Since I am still VERY new to blogging..I am not sure if I should be posting all comments sent to me as I feel that some of them are only for my eyes SOOOO if you do not see your comment posted and want it to be..just please let me know as I do not erase any of them..just slightly hesitant.
Overall this has proven to be a positive outlet as I found it almost impossible to enter into my community and expect such open and candid dialog.
So once again many thanks!!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
- In a matter of less then 7 weeks I will become a Co-Wife to my Husband and I have yet to have met his Wife(which hasn't left me with the easiest of feelings), although he has explained to me time and time again his thoughts of wanting to wait until after we are wed to do the introductions to "make things easier transition wise".
- We've come a long way in regards to expressing our fears and concerns, I just need to work on not taking it as a direct diss/insult and rather just him needing/wanting to vent.
- I have told him to please stop "Dumping" the negatives of his marriage on me because it puts me in a awkward position and how am I to know when and if that will happen to me one day in regards to our personal affairs being shared with her.
- I feel slighted in a way because many of his concerns he has NOT addressed with her(and yet continues to do it with me, with his excuse being that she has not met me yet) in any way, shape nor form and yet finds it so easy to discuss terms of marriage dissolution should it boil down to it in regards to division of property and finances and yet he has not outlined that in his marriage contract with his Wife...so how does this seem fair?! I simply told him that he will remain financially bound to children of him no matter if from his Wife or me as his Wife as well..I could not expect for him to pay for other costs; especially if I will be looking for another Husband should it come to that.
- I have been putting almost 99.2% of my energies into ensuring that we are placing a suitable foundation in place prior to entering into our marriage but there are some VERY trying times that I can't seem to shake that easily and it makes me upset... I just want for her to know me, mind you she knows of me because he told her..BUT we have not spoken~
- Now unless we are all to live underneath one roof(which I do not see happening anytime soon); how are we to divide time?
- Does she get 2 weeks and I get 2 weeks with the exception of birthdays and special occasions?
- What happens when one of us wants to get pregnant, how do we work being able to get him at our house(s) during those vital fertility days? And when one of us delivers; is the other to attend the hospital and offer to make meals and help out with the child(ren)?
Thursday, May 29, 2008
This event will be taking place July 12th & 13th @ Metro Toronto Convention Centre(South Building)
Speakers for this event will be:
Abu Usamah Ath Thahabee(UK)
Abdul Bary Yahya(USA)
Mohammed Ibn Faqih(USA)
Abdur Raheem Green(UK)
Sh. Salah As Sawee(tentative)
Abu Suhaib Bassaam(Jordan)
And many more...
Special Guest will be the world famous Qari Sh. Mishari Rashid Al-Afasy(tentative)
Tickets will be on sale for $30/person and family discounts will be made available.
-The ticket price will increase by $10 after June 20th..so if you will be going..get on this ASAP!!!
Monday, May 26, 2008
- As simple as these words are; they speak in unison as to how I am feeling in regards to my choices made in my life and upcoming marriage and just wanted to share.
I must admit at first I was very discouraged when reading all of the posted opinions found on various websites because as much as I respected their P.O.V's, a good percentage seemed to be of a negative standpoint and I guess I was/am more looking for somewhat of a balance of both the good and not so good.
Not sure where I found this Sisters Blog website initially; I do feel it was from a e-group that I joined on the net, her username was similar and peaked my interest and so therefore I proceeded to learn more about her and why she kept such a positive outlook re: Polygyny(and to be honest I am still reading up about her and her experience BUT I just HAD to write this entry to share with others).
The Sister and Author is named Aneesa Azeez, the book is titled "POLYGYNOUS BLESSINGS" and she has put into (published) words something that many of us Sisters also feel(and I am sayin this solely from reading the preface, thats amazing).
Personally I am looking forward to placing my order and reading this book not only to myself but also to my Husband-to-be to add and also aide to our discussions about the subject.
-(Please note that you can click on the blue link above to purchase either the e-book or hardcover edition of this book).
Honestly I wish there was some sort of website/chatroom where I could freely converse with fellow Sisters on a more frequent basis, but for now this will do and I remain thankful...but in case YOU are reading this and know of some more websites that are worthy then by all means send them my way and I will be sure to research and look into it ASAP!
If anybody(sisters and brothers alike) has read this book please comment on my blog entry and share your opinions as I am looking forward to reading your responses.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Allow me to leave a brief introduction as I have yet to share any details as to who I am although I will still remain somewhat anonymous until I feel like revealing myself(if that day will ever arise).
- I am a 30 year old Widow and Mother to three children, my late Husband preferred to basically have me under "lock & key" and to be honest, I preferred for it to be that way leaving very little decisions for me to make.
*edited to say that it is the will of Allah(swt) for a Husband to take care of his Wife and Family, not to condone a Husband controlling every move that his Wife makes, so allow for me to remove confusion and to add clarity!
He(my late Husband) had our lives planned out and provided for us in the way that a good Husband should and which is outlined by Allah(swt).
One of my Grandfathers is Muslim(oh, I neglected to mention that my family is interfaithed)and also embraced his Islamic right as a Man to have more then one Wife; so the whole entire idea of Co-Wives weren't entirely foreign to me and yet weren't explored enough to be honest as I always took for granted my multiple Grandmothers presence throughout my upbringing and I guess since I saw them all co-habitat with one another I never sensed the marital arrangements as being outside of the "norm".
FAST FORWARD to almost 3 years ago when I first "met" my soon-to-be Husband, he was very timid, respectful and careful as per him getting to know me somewhat and to approach me when asking to be his Wife. We spent a couple of years getting to know one another via letters and more letters, I felt and still do feel that this was the best plan for us(not necessarily for others, but then again this is about me right?!).
We both tried our best to remain honest and open with one another because our friendship meant a lot to one another and we didn't want to taint it with untruths; so when I was informed that he had taken a Wife to himself I had mixed feelings...yes, she became his Wife before I had any inkling as to his existence, but deep down I was wary of my emotional reserves and so I turned to the knowledgeable wisdom of my Grandfather in regards to the possibility of me becoming a Co-Wife and if my Grandfather was in approval of this possibility; he was supportive of such and gave me his blessing prior to his untimely death.. on the premise that my future Husband would be able to emotionally, psychologically, financially and psychically take care of me as his future Wife.
So as I was saying; the thought of being a Wife to a Man who already has a Wife and could possibly have others after me wasn't a thought/concept that I came to a conclusion about overnight, it involved thorough questioning of myself and both of our intentions not to mention that I am a Mother of 3 children and I had to consider their emotions/feelings whilst considering such a proposal.
Thoughts entered my mind ranging from "is this the right decision for me to make" to "will he be able to provide for both of his Wives as is outlined by Allah(swt)", "will he speak to his Wife about me in advance and will we both be given the opportunity to speak with one another Woman-to-Woman", not to mention that children are involved and as innocent as they are they are in need of being protected and so we both took our time which is clearly stated that we should have avoided drawing out the "whole getting to know you" process because as the time progressed..my feelings for my future Husband grew strong and such feelings were reciprocated and so we both came to the conclusion that we MUST move forward to Marriage as soon as possible.
During the period of time that we got to know one another, it was announced to me that he was to become a Father and to be honest hearing that news broke my heart in two, not saying that it wasn't the right/duty of his Wife to bear his child..but deep down inside I wished that he made a honest Woman of me during the beginning of us getting to know one another so that I could have felt as if I was standing on firmer ground and could perhaps extend my hand to help her during the pregnancy and healing period and spend that time to get to know her and of course vice-versa, but *sigh* that simply wasn't the case and part of me regrets the extended time which has elapsed when such thoughts come to mind.
I know that I am a good Woman and appreciate and acknowledge my self-worth, I ensured that I completed my post-secondary education should my children have to solely depend upon me. I work in the Entertainment Industry and have said goodbye to the industry, about 98% of my friends, my once flourishing social life; due to how loyal my ties are when it comes down to marriage and yet I feel as if I am making more sacrifices then that of my Husband-to-be.
Don't get me wrong, he is a kind-spirited Man who has almost gone above and beyond to establish a sense of security and I appreciate that and yet I still remain the Woman whom he plans to marry and not yet his Wife(although as of late it has been my fault in which we have not become married yet which would lead to another Blog entry completely).
I guess it was the various thoughts and emotions regarding me becoming a Co-Wife which led me to visiting the Google search engine and in turn which led me to this website and to read other Wives who were tied to Polygyny-type Marriages; in which I am grateful for modern technology which has enabled me to read the thoughts and concerns of others before me and also provides me with a "medium" in which I can vent away and also ask questions and receive criticism as others see fit.
As Day#2 approaches of venting and expressing on my newly created Blog, I welcome all to leave me a comment or 2 (smiles).
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Now I am no fool when it comes down to these 2 topics/conversation starters; I am VERY aware of how sensitive of a topic/subject this truly is..BUT it needs to be addressed as per how Allah(swt) wished for us to view it and not how many of us view it from a emotional and psychological standpoint.
From approx. 1591; the word "Polygamy" has been coined to describe marriages in which the Man has more then one wife yielding a host of children as a direct result of the multiple wives. No matter how many times I read and hear my brothers and sisters use the term it makes me want to cringe, we(those in Islam who have either chosen co-wives or have been chosen as a co-wife) are not practicing Polygamy as furthermore the definition states the following:
1 : marriage in which a spouse of either sex may have more than one mate at the same time
- How in the world are we continuing to use such a word when it clearly misrepresents that in which Allah(swt) permits of our Husbands(and Husbands to-be). Approx. 200 years later the correct and/or more fitting term was created to be used is Polygyny; which is defined as the following:
1. :the state or practice of having more than one wife or female mate at a time
Sisters and Brothers alike, lets do our best to always remain informed when choosing to use and apply certain labels to ourselves or fellow Sisters and Brothers
As-salaamu Alaikum my sisters and brothers,
As much as this is a world free to express thoughts and/or views, do take note that this is my personal area on the world wide web and I would like for all who chooses to read and comment to be respectful of my entries. I am not opposed to criticism as long as it is in the constructive form of such.
I am also VERY interested to communicate with others who are in similar situations involving Co-Wives.
I’m very gr8ful to be placed in such a position to be connected with others and hopefully to learn from them as well.
All praises due to Allah(swt).