Wednesday, July 2, 2008

It's NOT going to happen

Salaam,

Yep, you read right!!! My Co-Wife does NOT want to speak with me and asked for space until she is ready if that day should ever come and with that I have decided to step down and give her the amount of space that she needs.

I feel better within myself that I did not let down/back down until she was able to comprehend that I really required for some sort of communication to be in place between the both of us(and not sayin that future Hubby made it much easier with dragging his feet in the sand)..but at least we all made it to that bridge.

So, as it is I've made myself available whenever that day arrives and in the meanwhile I have been able to apply myself in other areas which need my attention such as..losing weight!!!! Finish decorating my home and just basically enjoy the rest of the summer vacation with my children....and of course getting ready to become a Wife once again..

28 comments:

*C* said...

Good for you for trying. She deserves to know you want to meet and are available to talk anytime. And I think you're right to give her her space...

Good luck. :)

gr8fultohimswt said...

Thanks so much *C*, yeah I agree with ya re: wanting and me giving her space...I am looking forward to the day that we can have a chat though..but until then I have lbs to shed..lol

Salaam

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

Here is my thoughts. I have never expected CW and I to be friends. I want to be friends but I do nto expect it...the most I expect from her is to be cordial. ALhumdullilah we are friends though I just never expected it of her. Do you understand? I am glad you are giving her space I think that is very important. If and when she is ready she will come around but let her come to you. Make small efforts to show that you are not there as her enemy,ie: don't leave hickies on hubby, don't send her douche, don't call hubby when he is with her unless it is an EMERGENCY!. OK so those are little tidbits and pieces of random information for you.....just give it time and if you were meant to be her firend then you will be...time....

PM said...

neI think you have made the right choices in both cases (ie., trying to contact her and accepting her desire not to). I am curious though, is she accepting of your marriage to her husband? I just pray you are all 3 on the same page, so to speak.

Salaam,
PM

gr8fultohimswt said...

Salaam my sister,

Thanks it's appreciated that you were able to agree with this important turning point of my life.

Well she has been notified for almost 1 year that he is to marry again and that he has known me for about 6-8 months less the length of their marriage @ pm..his Wife/my future Co-Wife isn't over the moon with the news of future Hubby and I getting married...BUT I will remain a listening ear/shoulder to lean on whilst tending to my own marriage to him.

mena said...

I also like the fact that you tried to know\meet her. As many sisters will not bother about meeting the first wife before marriage, since it is not an obligation. Try not to push it, it may make her even more upset. Personally, i will also prefer her stance, i will need my time to heal and be totally accepting of the situation before wanting to meet a co-wife, because knowing myself, i may be so nervous and jittery and may even break down in front of her, better to avoid that. Just pray for the best. and pray for her too because you know what?its not easy at all.

~Ummi said...

as salaamu alaykum
I make dua that your family can work this out. It may be difficult for her at first, so be patient in sha Allaah.

In regards to your weight loss, will you join me?

Come join me at
http://walkingmuslimah.blogspot.com

gr8fultohimswt said...

Salaam sister Mena,

Yes, indeed I could only imagine how my future Co-Wife is feeling because honestly I have spent many nights and days attempting to place myself in her shoes and have also been praying steadfastly.

And you are correct, it is not a obligation..but it was something that I had to at least attempt before getting married(communication wise). To be honest I am still very, very nervous and apprehensive about meeting her, but none the less have placed my energies elsewhere until she is ready.

Thanks so much for your advice, it has been well taken sis

Salaam

gr8fultohimswt said...

Salaam

@ UmmAbdur-Rahmaan...how have you been sis?

EXACTLY well that is what I am expecting as well as the basics..otherwise I have no other immediate expectations from her...for now.

Did you say don't send her douche?..Co-Wives have done that before?? That is so personal and I couldn't imagine doing that to another Woman/Sister..Not upset just never even crossed my mind.

As per calling..of course and it makes perfect sense and I've read it a couple of times as well..no plans to communicate with him unless it is actually an emergency on his days with her.

When I was approving comments yesterday yours was not there and today it is..not sure if blogger.com's server was slowing down..my bad!

Yes, they say time is essential..so as you mentioned is exactly what I am giving *smiles*

Salaam my sis

gr8fultohimswt said...

Salaam ~ummi

I loved how you wrote "my family" and not his Wife..it was touching..I really liked that.

Yes, many thanks and I too shall continue to make prayers for this to work out as best as possible.

YES!! I would love to join you so that we can all slim and trim down *smiling*

Thanks so much sis

Salaam

Mumina said...

I tell you, it really does make a world of difference when the wife knows that you were thinking of her and being respectful to even try to speak with her. I hope she is ok, inshaAllah. InshaAllah maybe she is the type who is accepting of it but just needs some time to adjust to the upcoming change, inshaAllah. Those type of women are amazingly selfless, subhanAllah.

So, sister, although of course brothers have the right to marry whether or not the wife likes it, what if YOU knew it would destroy her? Would you still do it? I was just curious about that because a lot of sisters think that sisterhood should prevail in a case like that, and I agree, but that's not how it usually goes. Hence so many hurt women, animosity in the ummah, and broken families.

Dee and Elijah Sue said...

What is required and what is right is not always the same. It is good that you are doing what is right by your soon to be co-wife.

ES

3rd... said...

fyi..added u to my fav's list on my blog

gr8fultohimswt said...

@ mumina,

I truly hope that my CW is and will be okay as well. One day InshAllah we will be able to talk and perhaps even be able to go back a bit and share our initial feelings and reactions.

So, sister, although of course brothers have the right to marry whether or not the wife likes it, what if YOU knew it would destroy her? Would you still do it? I was just curious about that because a lot of sisters think that sisterhood should prevail in a case like that, and I agree, but that's not how it usually goes. Hence so many hurt women, animosity in the ummah, and broken families.

>>>>> Wow, that is a loaded question my sister without a doubt! I mean in all fairness I will be proceeding with my marriage to him and it could at the same time be destroying her if you get my drift.. It's been over 2 years of getting to know him via letters and I don't honestly feel that I could just walk away without me becoming his Wife..I am just glad that I am not at that bridge because honestly I wouldn't be able to produce a clear answer right away...we both serve 2 very different purposes to him and it will continue once we are married and able to be around one another..wow I shall have to think about this deeply just to see if I could have replied differently.

Salaam

gr8fultohimswt said...

How you doing Dee and Elijah Sue?!

YESSSS..that was moving and so on point!! There are 2 very, very different things aren't they>?!

Anonymous said...

WHY DOESN'T SHE LIKE YOU? IS IT BECAUSE HER HUSBAND HAS TAKEN YOU ON? IF SO I THINK IT'S VERY SELFISH OF YOU TO AGREE TO THIS, IT MAKES IT SEEM LIKE YOU NEED A MAN AND CANNOT GO ON IN LIFE WITHOUT ONE, WHICH IS VERY STEROTYPICAL AND SAD. IF I'M WRONG I APOLOGISE

gr8fultohimswt said...

Salaam

@ anonymous,

I kinda contemplated if I should publish your comment or not..but still chose to so that I can address you..

Polygyny can be and most of the time is very complex initially and involves many emotions..now I didn't say if she likes me or not..what I did state is that she is not ready to speak with me YET>.

As per me not being able to do without a Man, I've done that since 1999 as that was the year that my Husband was murdered...so it's taken almost a decade in order for me to get aligned as per marrying again..

Trust me when I say that it is MUCH EASIER *emotionally and also via society* to accept the marriage proposal of a man which is without any current Wives then one who has such.

I did not get to know him as my friend for almost 3 out of his almost 6 years of marriage nor did he ask me to be his Wife because he sensed my desperation, in fact it was me who held off via marrying him for the past 2 years oddly enough.

I don't expect for you to understand nor support...but I do ask for respect as I will be more then willing to offer the same to you.

PM said...

Sister,

You will need to get used to the uneasy responses you will get as a woman who chooses to marry a married man whose wife is not "delighted" with polygyny becoming her reality. Many of us have seen this work out badly for one or all of the parties involved. Insha'Allah your situation will not become another of those sad statistics. You deserve love and happiness in your life, especially after the loss you have suffered. I am sure many women join me in wishing that for you, and also wishing that your husband's first wife won't suffer either.

Salaam,
PM

gr8fultohimswt said...

Salaam my dear sister

Yes, I got heated I must admit and went and made prayer to ask for a tighter lip at times and a more open and forgiving heart.

I don't know what got hold of me, it was like Shaytan was whispering the most negative things while I was reading and responding..to me egging me on..I should have known better and just kept a level head.

Yes yes PM..you are very wise and I appreciate you taking the time to kinda straighten me out..seriously!


Salaam

PM said...

Aww sweetie, I'm not trying to come down on you. It's just that you will get all kinds of responses and that can be a pain but also a good learning experience.

And btw, if you hadn't responded to that comment (which I thought was a little impertinent myself) I was going to jump in. We all need to remind ourselves sometimes not to overstep the boundaries of our knowledge about the situation someone else is living.

You're good, sis. You seem to maintain your honesty, manners and graciousness even under stress. That will serve you well in the challenges that lie ahead.

Salaam Alaikum,
PM

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

You have NO IDEA....

Mumina said...

Asalaam alaikum sis,

I guess my question was pretty loaded, I hope you did not take offense! I am just really curious what it was like to be in your shoes because I have been the first wife, completely devasted that no-one cared what I wanted, you know? I wondered how could the other woman do that to me? Surely she would not want to be in that position. It hurts my heart when I think of it, I never know what she was thinking..now our family is ripped apart, but in the end it was really because he could not afford both families, and he made the choice of which to support. MaashaAllah, and I had no choice but to leave because I was married but yet did not have a husband!

I can't say that I understand your answer, that you would still go ahead if his wife came to the point that she could not handle it. But at the same time, there is no deterring two people who want to be married for the pleasure of Allah and if Allah allows their union, and the best thing to do instead of just force his wife into this is what you all are doing, taking your time, trying to ease her into it. So, alhumduhlillah. May Allah make it easy for her, ameen. May Allah make it easy for you too because you deserve to be married to a good brother who will protect you and help you in the deen inshaAllah, ameen.

Anyway, really, I am not coming down on you, and I hope you will still welcome me to your blog because I am pleased to have the opportunity to hear it from the other side, to hear the humanity from a woman who is going in as a second wife. I think that although I am not able to go into the mind of my ex's wife specifically, somehow I can get some healing from being acquainted with a sister like yourself who shares the experience of being another wife going in.

gr8fultohimswt said...

As-Salamu Alaykum my dear sister

@ mumina, 1st off let me say that no matter what even if I am offended*which by the way I wasn't..just wasn't able to sum up a quick answer and I say thanks for writing those thought-provoking points*, I would never want you to not participate in my journey via polygyny, it is the good and the bad that is fostering me through this, so just please believe me when I say that YOU will always be welcomed!!

** I do care, very much so.. I have purchased groceries and clothing for the child, given him tips as he is a 1st time Father and wasn't given any parenting advice prior to and make prayer for her and her child and him being her(and soon to be my) Husband on a daily basis.
I am not sayin that I am some kinda goodie-goodie, I do too have feelings and get jealous at times, but have refrained from making it noticeable because I understand that this journey is more about other vital steps then for now me being jealous..lol

I was married but yet did not have a husband! >>> When you wrote that dear Sister, my heart felt so moved..that is such a heartfelt statement and so deep..and I do understand it oddly enough..when I was married I met a single sister who told me that I "couldn't understand what she was going through as a single mother" and I told her that with my Husband working up to 14 hours/day leaving 10 and out of which 8 were dedicated to sleeping and 1hr to get to work..yes, I felt as if I was a single mother, not being ungrateful because he was a wonderful and providing man..but it was ME who did all.

-> -> I am basically sayin that most Wives are not automatically as accepting and content with the news of a additional marriage, that being said yes, I would still continue and find ways to ease my presence into the marriage and see how I could offer help/ease whilst being married. I would not go through my days and nights pretending as if he did not have obligations to her as his Wife nor to his child and would try to maintain some sense of balance along with him as it is a joint effort and my love for children could not let me turn a blind eye.

All praises due to Allah(swt), but I am still a Woman with feelings and my heart goes out to ALL WOMEN in polygyny because we all are moved by our involvement, for many it is not a honeymoon period and is taken very seriously with daily thoughts and consideration of all parties..this is not easy for me neither but being that she is barely in her 20's I am hoping that being 30 I could offer some insight and wisdom when the time comes.

I'm sorry about the long reply, just felt moved to express how much I love you for being candid as well my sister

Caminante said...

Assalamu `alaykum,
I hope you don't take this the wrong way sister, but are you sure about what you're doing?

It seems to me, from the fact that the first wife doesn't even want to correspond with you, that she's heartbroken.

From a personal point of view, I don't know if you would go through with it. I don't know if I'd be able to be the cause of someone else's grief.

Remember, this life is a test. A man is just a man. I'm not sure it's worth hurting someone else's feelings and destroying someone's married life.

Personally I wouldn't go through with it until I'm 100% sure the other wife is OK.

I wish AngryMuslimah, who's a cowife, would write her comments also to give you advice. She made 100% sure that the other co-wife was onboard before she went ahead with the deal. And it seemed that even though she cared for this man A LOT, she was prepared to walk away if the other wife was not happy.

Just my 2 cents for the sake of Allah (insha'Allah)

Safiyyah said...

Salaams Sister:

I am with Caminate and Mumina.

But I am sure that you have heard/read it all. And you have made up your mind anyway. Despite the pain that another Muslim sister will have to bear. I see you around on other plural marriage blogs. I know that you realize the jihad involved.

We all like to think that we will be different though, that our case is different.

Remember that plural marriage is the Sunnah in Islam. It is not the norm, nor is it fard.

I feel for ya sis, honestly. May Allah (swt) guide you/Ameen. Please forgive me if I have offended you or overstepped my boundaries.

gr8fultohimswt said...

Salaams my sisters,

I approved one message and now approved another but wasn't free to give my full reply until now, my apologies.

For some reason it is not showing up, not sure if the Sister erased her comments..but I have it logged in my e-mail account none the less so I will address both comments although I only see one new one visible..

Yes, I am very sure as to what I am doing my sister..I've taken almost 2 years of asking myself the same question and also making prayer about it, I was only worried at the time about the lack of me not being able to contact his Wife and that has been resolved for now...with her replying and saying that she wanted some time to absorb all of this.
And in all fairness I haven't really heard of many Co-Wives who have been thrilled with the concept in Islam to be totally honest, even when the Sister has taken it upon herself to find a CW, she was still reluctant and was surrounding by various emotions, this is perfectly normal. I will continue to make myself available for her should she choose to reach out to me.

I do know that I can NOT be married(again) without Allah(swt) guidance no matter if in a monogamous or poly marriage and it is to him that the three of us will have to make prayer to to assist.

I am far from being "blinded" to the situation and will continue to keep all parties thoughts and emotions in mind, unfortunately I can not get into all personal details as to why I am making this stand to get married as I am not looking to "out" her nor future Hubby nor even myself.

It was Sister Vena's blog that made me start my own blog, not because I was uncertain about getting married, but because I wanted to be able to be connected with others who have communication with their Co-Wives, those who don't and those who will never will..just to ensure that I can be connected with all aspects.

Polygyny rarely starts off easy..but it can be a wonderful thing for all involved..there are cases where one Co-Wife is totally unaware of the other, when they know of one another and become wonderful sisterwives..when they choose not to communicate..when they co-habitat and when snags comes about and it fails horribly as we have read usually/normally the most....non of us have the Polygyny/Polygamy handbook, but I do place much positivity in the possibility of it working and not because I feel that I am different per say, but because I am willing to put in the time and effort to make it work as much as possible for all involved in addition to the others wanting the same.

And no, no no of course I am not offended Sister Caminate..it is very hard to see all sides of the story with only one Narrator..

Salaams

gr8fultohimswt said...

Salaam sister safiyyah

I am not offended by your posting as well..for some reason when I was accepting your blog comment, it was not visible so I assumed that you erased it..so I didn't want to address you by name should you not want to be addressed..now that blogger.com made it visible I feel much better..lol

TheAngryMuslimah said...

SIS,

I hope this comment finds you well. But I must intervene..... This comment is a yes do publish for your blog…. for you and other Muslimah's considering

***** Channeling The Angry Muslimah……….Hmmmmmmmmmm ******

I am not going to illusion you with the great bliss of poly life......or the negatives about it either.

I know every woman wants to get married, have a father for her kids, and have companionship....who doesn't?

But some of us Muslimahs will do anything at any cost to have a man.

And sadly to say that cost sometimes...is at the destruction of another sisters family.

As we know it’s a man’s right to have another wife. But let me say this EXPLICITLY…… POLYGAMY IS NOT A REQUIREMENT AS SOME MEN THINK.

I PERSONALLY do not think we practice polygamy for the right reasons. But that’s another story.


When I married my HUBBY……..I sought out my co-wife…..I dated her…….we spent time together…..

I wanted to make sure she was ok with it. They had 20 years together before I came. What kind of Muslim would I be to destroy that for my selfishness? I know you say she doesn’t want to talk to you.
Isn’t that a sign? Or does it not matter because you may be in love, in lust, or just feel like maybe she will come around one day because you need a husband….

We Muslimahs need to leave that MARSHA MARSHA MARSHA SYNDROME ALONE. It is not all about us in poly life there is another family involved. So to stop being lonely and to get a father for our kids we result to such things.

I am not saying never be in Poly life. I am just saying give the respect to another Muslimah you would want.
As my papa would say WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE IS GOOD FOR THE GANDER. In a few years trust me……another sister will come along and do to you what you did to her and that would be horrible right? Think about some woman just marrying you hubby without you saying it was okor without her carinf for your feelings…or if you could come to terms with it. But we always find a way to sanction and justify our own needs, actions, and feelings.

When I was about to marry….I didn’t have to do it but I wanted her ok…..her sign of approval.
Who would really want to live in chaos.? If I went ahead and married him…..she and I would never really have a family environment for our kids or our husband …he would eventually feel torn between two different worlds. And not to mention the poor kids introduced to nonsense everyday. Heck if you to marry and keep it secret it will end up the same way………….WHAT IS DONE IN THE DARK ALWAYS COMES TO LIGHT.

No you don’t need her permission or her approval but wouldn’t it be nice an respectful…..and she would more likely come around to the idea when she thinks of how you thought about her and her family when wanting to marry her husband. She would want someone like you taking care of her husband…and you would be a Muslimah with ideal character for a Ummi around her kid(s) when she couldn’t be there.


I know she doesn’t want to talk to you. And she deserves time…..to think and sort out her feelings. But what kills me about Muslim women is when our hubby’s want polygamy we act like we didn’t know it couldn’t happen. Like it is a surprise……or something…….Being a Muslimah ….POLYGAMY MAY BE A PART OF YOUR LIFE…

ANYWAY

I know she probably thought she would have her hubby all to herself and she would be more than enough….Isn’t that what we all think? Wouldn’t it be nice? But it is not always the case in Islam.
I say I think you are a decent Muslimah and you wouldn’t want to wreck havoc. But if you marry him without giving her time to come around or more time to decide to not come around……you will be entering into chaos… Is that what you want a torn hubby……..your kids and her kids not knowing each other, secrets, lies, insecurities, all come with a forced poly marriage on a sister. A week has 7 days sister not enough for one wife and a set of kids with a man trying to work and provide for them.……and believe me…..you and her as evident as it is now…….could not live in the same household…..Do you not see what I see……I am not going on a rampage of backing up a first wife….( heck we all know I am a second wife) but instead I want you to step out of what you need and what you think you need and INSTEAD THINK ABOUT how you are going about getting it. Poly life is wonderful when it is done correctly. And from your writings……..which may or not be what you are trying to say but I got out of it that he is going to marry you anyway although he knows how his wife feels……Which means he can and probably do it to you later……..he doesn’t have enough respect and decency for her to let things simmer down a while. While she adjusts or not adjusts……..is that the type of husband you want? The type of father you want for you kids or possible kids?


A lot to think on sis………

Just know I married my Hubby my co wife WASN’T THRILLED--- but she-was ok with it. And said yes………..and if she wasn’t ok without I would have waited a period of time before I did to give her a chance to come around…….and if she hadn’t

I WOULD NOT HAVE MARRIED HIM…….

Allah(swt) I the best of all planners and I know he would put me where I needed to be.

Give her time………..if she is not talking to you now she definitely wouldn’t talk to you after the marriage….is that what you want…….Strained kids or strained hubby…….no family functions…splitting holidays…… not sharing happy occasions because you and her are on bad terms. A lot to think on….


Everyone has their own opinion and this one is mines………

IF SHE DOESN’T COME AROUND DON’T MARRY HIM…….
POLYGAMY BY FORCE……….WTH?

As I have told you before……….sister I have died a thousand times already……sending my hubby off to be with his other wife…..

May Allah(swt) touch you heart and this union if it happens




TRUST IN Allah(swt) he will put you where you belong………if it is meant to be it will be.

I wouldn’t have done things any other way.


Think o n it

Nasiriyah S.

“ The Angry Muslimah “

theangrmuslimah@gmail.com if you want to talk….