Monday, July 14, 2008

PATHS

We all started off down the same path, during our various journeys we CHOSE to make turns which varied from others who chose before, during and/or afterwards, BUT this does not make their choice any less warranted then that of your own my Sisters.

POLYGYNY is a multi-faceted exploration through your own personal tolerance levels and emotions..quite often I've seen a Sister get the rough end of the stick and then turn and offer "red flag" warnings and encourage the Sister to flee from the intentional/current Husband because she is making a choice that the other wished she did or would never..but does this make it the right choice for the Sister receiving the information/advice???

WE CAN NOT always use polygyny as the band-aid application to cover underlining issues such as lack of respect, values/morals, communication and so forth which should have initially been tackled from early within the pre-existing marriage, this is often a marital issue and for many although they might not admit, their marriage had a weak foundation to begin with and then adding on another Wife to the equation made it even worse as the energy that should have been placed into the already existing marriage will then be placed into the newer marriage especially during the honeymoon phase.

TAKE ME FOR EXAMPLE; yes, I am to be married VERY soon Inshallah. But very often I feel as if some of the advice given is from a somewhat biased point of view, not only that which is given online but also in real life, do not get me wrong I do adore quite a few people who I met online who have been a solid source of dependable advice(you sisters know who YOU are), so of course I am NOT speaking/referring to them. This is not for everybody, but just in case you happen to come upon someone who isn't in what you might feel that should be the most ideal of polygynous marriages, do not take the time to belittle them nor try to scare them away from the idea, instead encourage and provide as much support and information as possible...we are linked via polygyny but come from very different walks of life and that should be taken into accordance when giving advice to others as customs and cultures will often vary.

Pain is pain no matter who is feeling it, many of us who are or have married a Man whom already is a Husband have to endure many mixed emotions for many years just like the initial wife, often times it is no different. Although it(polygyny) is something to be accepted, unfortunately we are not emotionally designed to embrace it with open arms and a open-mind. I've heard of many feeling as if they are going to be a replacement instead of the newly added wife being an addition and it makes me sad that all parties involved do not often share the same point of views(but such is life right?!). I have shed many tears on behalf of my Co-Wife, myself, her child and all of us as a unit, I think about the various ways that we can better the marriages on a whole and it worries me a lot hence me making prayer often.

What many do not understand due to me not writing it is that if it wasn't for me speaking very firmly with my soon-to-be Hubby he would have divorced his Wife long ago, now I am not asking for a reward/biscuit, but not many Co-Wives would go to bat for their CW's prior to being married, mind you there are some..but not all. She is barely in her 20's and needs some guidance as per being a Wife, I would love to offer such..help teach her how to cook and do other duties, I've sent gifts for her and the child..I just do not speak of such often because I do not want to make it seem as if I am boasting as this is not the case.

We can not always speak and give advice to others based off of bitter feelings and resentment, it's wrong on SO many different levels.

Quran aside, there are no daily guidelines to adhere to when opposed with emotions and for those of us who have entered into a successful polygynous marriage.. Alhamdulillaah, but whatever percentage those represent simply does not represent the many who struggle on a daily basis, who's tears overflow onto their pillows at night, entering into a polygynous marriage isn't due to being in dire need or want and the love that comes out of it is no less then which is within a monogamous marriage, sure we are not as socially embraced..BUT WE ARE HERE and not going anywhere anytime soon!

17 comments:

mena said...

"What many do not understand due to me not writing it is that if it wasn't for me speaking very firmly with my soon-to-be Hubby he would have divorced his Wife long ago"

It is a good thing you speak firmly to your soon-to-be hubby to discourage him from divorcing his first or present wife, but I for one would worry about the kind of man he is for wanting to divorce his wife [whether or not you are in the picture] for what may not be a major flaw on her part.

Dee and Elijah Sue said...

I am glad you told us of your efforts to help your co-wife..This is how it should be and other co-wives need to see how it can be done. You are a very wise 30 year old..
Please continue to write. I enjoy reading you. I'm learning much.

2 biscuits for you..lol

ES

gr8fultohimswt said...

>>It is a good thing you speak firmly to your soon-to-be hubby to discourage him from divorcing his first or present wife, but I for one would worry about the kind of man he is for wanting to divorce his wife [whether or not you are in the picture] for what may not be a major flaw on her part.<<

I am not worried though re: "marrying the kind of man who wanted to divorce his wife", it is a reality of life with many married couples, he did not want a divorce because of me but rather because they married in haste and were also new to Islam, it was during our e-mails that it was encouraged and strengthened as per "hanging in there" and making prayer to ask for guidance throughout the marriage and of course to follow steadfastly with the deen.

I have respect for him because although it did not seem promising from before it began, he stood by her and tried to guide her as much as possible and vice-versa.

gr8fultohimswt said...

Hiya Elijah Sue,

Aww I'm glad that you are reading and I also enjoy reading along with your blogs..I might have to ask you for some tips when doing a garden next season..lol

TheAngryMuslimah said...

I totally agree with mena's .comment.

on another note....I find it so odd that we have blogs and invite comments but when we recieve them we don't like them. I thought that was why we opened the blog and asked for advice was to get that advice. Truth be told we are going to do what we want to do anyway so why bother asking if that is the case? You know everyone is not going to see things your way.....but I guess we can chalk this up to human nature.

I am glad you made that step to contact your co-wife. Some sisters...could care less I applaud you for that.

My poly life is wonderful some days........and other days I want to buy a shovel, some plastic bags, a gun, and some cement to ecase some bodies into it.

I dont want to be the bad one saying only negative things...( but I would never let I sister be a deer in headlights..I want for you what I want for myself...happyness)...if my comments are harsh let me know and I wont write anymore........ but I only comment on what you write and what I see...we always see the happyness and hope butnever look at the red flags.....

And in my opinion any man who will risk he wife and already on earth kids.....( a certainty for a maybe that will distroy his marriage is A questionable man to have)

who will risk their family to make another one....I just dont know.sis...

1. you had to stop him from divorcing her?
( he could do the same to you)

2. he is marrying you without consideration of tearing his family now apart
( it could be done to you)

3. you want to help him he is a first time father.......she is young and unexperinced with kids and cooking
( my cowife came to me in haughty disposition like she held the upmost authority.becuz I was a virign...I didnt know how to please, I had neverbeen a parent( so I couldnt tend to her daughter properly) I never had a man( so i coundt cook properly) ...being helpful is ok and wonderful ( dont over strp on her shoes) but is she going to take it that way...she may take it a dern she is in a hurry to replace me or show hubby she is better than I am at everything ..and remember to her you are the.from the woman who married her hubby...without consideration for her...again I say it can be done to you)

Again I feel we are such in an urgency to fullfill our own wants and needs that we tend to neglect the other family's life in a whole.....

I wish you all the best and if it is meant to be than this struggles you are having now with his wife shall pass.......

Poly life is so demanding..and takes so much work.....I dont try to discourage people from living it......but I try to show people the other side of it....cuz everyone else just tells them of all the bounty, blessings, and wonders from it...

All the everything will be fine...
MashaAllah

All the Allah(swt) will bless you

All the InshaAllah you cw will come around

All the Ya Allah...bless and pray for your cw---to make it easier fr you both

All the Jazakallahu Khayran sister Allah(swt) is going to reward you...for your dilligence and patience

lol

mind you these are form sisters that would never want to , never will share their hubby's and wold leave him or try to run you off if you had any iterest in thier hubby's

happyness....( it is not like that all the time.......and people should be prepared mentally more than anything......coming into this especially with kids...Poly life is very differnt Islmaically than with just a man being "married to two women" rules, relgulations, restrictions, and promises......

I wonder if the christians have it the same?

You seem to have your mind made up....and I hope that your co-wife learns to accept you.....and appreaciate you for your wonderful additions to this marriage and respect your faults and short comings as I am sure you will do her the same way.

I hope that your hubby is a fair and just man who will try his best to treat you equally....

I hope this is what you are thinking it will be.... and it will not lack there of.....



as always if i could ever be of any assistance...

Nasiriyah S.

theangrymuslimah@gmail.com

gr8fultohimswt said...

Salaams theangrymuslimah,

I have never said that I did not welcome any comments and/or opinions..as they are given to me..I shall be offering mine in return to keep the levels of communications open and flowing.

My comments via my blog is for anybody who is reading as per keeping a unbiased point of view when often advising others, not necessarily myself as I did not create my blog to decide if I was to marry my soon-to-be Hubby, it was to vent the then lack of me not being able to communicate with my CW, which has been addressed.

We all live Inshallah and learn along our personal journeys, so simply was sharing my opinion as I have always welcomed the same from others. My skin is thicker then that to refuse or feel insulted over words written, but not all who might be entering or even in a polygynous marriage might feel the same way, so I was simply expressing that we as Sisters have to somewhat be more open-minded as to the various paths that one might take if it differs from our own.

I respect your line of questions, I have not personally asked myself such things in such a manor but have done much self-reflection over the past almost 3 years and have made prayer over and over again which has led me to where I currently stand.

As one of my Grandmothers would say:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"When sitting down to eat dinner, one will never know how to alter the taste of her food until she eats it and I can not tell you how your food would taste in your mouth any easier then the other way around".
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

My presence is not to step on anyones toes because I didn't take too lightly to the same being done to me, I've made my presence be known and upon interest it will be taken up, if not then I do understand.

Other then from my own family, I've only read of the negative side of polygyny..so upon joining certain various lists I was able to experience the balance, I would love to share the examples but would not cross the confidentiality embraced upon such lists, but in all we all have made various decisions and have travelled down various paths..some of which have benefited and others haven't..but in all one thing I've learned is that aside from Allah(swt), there isn't a chance that we can be offered the "right path" via verbal/written advice because none of us know that we are travelling down such a thing until we are able to reap the rewards of such.

I pray for all of us and hope that we all will continue Inshallah to steadfast via polygyny.

Mumina said...

Asalaam alaikum sis,

I appreciated what you wrote in this post.

After being in monogamy, I NEVER want monogamy again. I may just be celibate for the rest of my life, lol, BUT if Allah does allow it that my heart softens and I desire a new husband, the only way I would do it is in polygyny.

Anyway, the part I disagree with of your post is when you referred to polygyny and said: "the love that comes out of it is no less then which is within a monogamous marriage." Maybe for the women. But if a man loved his wife, really loved her, he would never want to hurt her. Does that kind of love even exist within men? NO!!! But love is not a necessary aspect of marriage under Islam, and that is the hard thing to accept (speaking from a revert's standpoint). Love does not need to be present for the marriage to be successful.

Nasi's statement: "but I try to show people the other side of it....cuz everyone else just tells them of all the bounty, blessings, and wonders from it..." is the expression of my own feelings! When it comes to this topic, it is preferrable to think all positive, and ignore the reality that someone is being hurt here. That is exactly how I felt, what I went through with people who I thought love me for the sake of Allah. The "happiness" of the husband and his new wife's union far overshadows his first wife's emotions. It is an awful awful feeling, and really, there is nothing that can take that feeling away. You can pray and pray and make dua, and maybe the sister will accept it and make the most of it for the pleasure of Allah, but the hurt doesn't go away. Who wants to be that person?

InshaAllah I hope your future cowife does not feel that way. It is a lonely feeling when everyone you thought would care for you suddenly leaves u out in the cold to shiver.

You are right when you say advice and opinions can be biased, but advice and opinions are based on our experiences and feelings. Even the prophet Muhammad (SAW) said to his daughter's husband when the brother wanted to marry another wife that the man should divorce his daughter because what hurts her hurts the Prophet (SAW). (paraphrasing!). There is a human aspect, and I think all too often in polygyny, the human aspect of the one who is being hurt is ignored.

BUT I know you are not ignoring it. I know you are very caring of your future cowife and their family, and may Allah reward you for it, ameen. I hope she has a support system inshaAllah, other than people just telling her not to worry, he still loves you, etc etc. Those things are all generic. It would be nice if she had someone who has been in her shoes and made it through successfully in the marriage.

mena said...

sister, i did not think or insinuate he wanted to divorce her because of you. I just don't feel comfy or hold in high regard any brother who considers divorcing his wife just because things get difficult. Marrying in haste, being new to islam could be daunting no doubt, but I suppose he was not a teenager or something, I may be wrong, but I personally don't respect brothers who would divorce their wives or even think of it when she has not committed a major wrong, everyone has problems in their marriages, and most are trying to work on it. He would have divorced his wife but for another person's intervention, [ i don't care who that person is], that shows he has a problem or some problems, i just hate it when people look down on divorced sisters as if it is all their fault for getting divorced when there are many Muslim men who would not even bat an eyelid to issue a divorce, It is sad and annoying, in fact I wish you did not mention that he would have divorced his wife but for you, doesn't make him sound like a very good catch. I hope I did not offend you anyways

gr8fultohimswt said...

Salaam sister mumina,

For some reason your replies soothe me..I cannot explain it other then that and I am following along and agree, not only with what you mentioned but the other Sisters as well..there are things that I stand along with in regards to every post and otherwise as well I won't lie.

Caminante said...

Assalamu `alaykum,
Upon reading the many poly blogs around the internet... I found that most of the "happy poly" stories come either from secular or christian marriages.

And why is that? I think that most of these people will tell you that...

a) If one of the marriages is not going well... getting another wife to "compensate" is not a good idea.
Becoming a member of a family that is in trouble is definitely not the best scenario

b) The only way it worked smoothly (and even then, there are problems) is when the first and second wife BOTH want polygamy. Unfortunately, in most cases in Islam one of the wives is expected to "put up" with the other wife, like she doesn't have a choice.

I personally find this quite sad and depressing since I don't think a marriage can work (or a poly family can work) while one of the members is oppressed.

Regarding your post sis, for me it's a big red flag that the brother is considering marrying another wife when:
a)It's obvious that his wife is not OK with it
b)His marriage is not strong

I personally believe that a responsible family man should first and foremost be busy resolving the issues in his current marriage, than paying attention and planning a life with a woman he's not married to (I could write a lot about interaction between not married people but I'll leave it since I'm sure we all know about it).

And who knows, maybe his wife'd rather be divorced, has anyone consulted her?

Anyways, these are my 2 cents for the sake of Allah swt insha'Allah.

PM said...

Salaam Alaikum sister,

I think what happens in response to what you write is that some of us see warning signs that might be indicators of your husband's attitudes about women and marriage, and these could have bearing on your future. A man who has emotionally "left" a marriage and one wife and is already emotionally "engaged" to another woman and preparing to marry her, may not be the best candidate for the very strenuous requirements of Islamic polygyny. You yourself proclaimed you talked him into staying married to his wife so how does that bode for their future?

I actually think that it is worse to embark upon polygyny in a situation where you no longer want your first wife as a spouse because there is no way that man can be fair, loving and supportive. As painful as it might seem at first for a woman to know her husband is leaving her for another woman, it is less likely to cause all the fitnah of two women fighting for attention from a man who doesn't love them both equally (or pretty darn close to equally). The bottom line is that you and her husband started a relationship in preparation for marriage that she is not happy with. Unless he can magically become equally loving to you both, and is super sensitive to meeting the needs of two wives and families, there is most likely going to be many rough days ahead for one or more of you in this polygynous relationship.

I always stand by the idea that unless EVERYONE is equally on board with the plan of polygyny, it isn't very likely to stand the test of time. I do hope and pray that you ALL can come to terms with the challenges and will add another positive polygynous story to the blogosphere.

Best regards.

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

Salaam.....Hey where did ya go????

gr8fultohimswt said...

As-salaam alaykum

Sorry about that..just kinda reverted into my e-shell for a bit to reflect upon some things and also some wise advice that I've been given by quite a few Sisters(incl. yourself) whom I've chosen to apply and others in which although I realize that they meant well..I've taken down as information offered none the else. Also one of my close friends was killed by her Husband recently so it's left a odd "taste" in my mouth so to speak so kinda been wondering around the world wide web..I'll return back to "normal" soon..lol


Salaam

Anonymous said...

Salaam,

Hope you're doing ok. It's been a long time since you posted...

ummufatmah said...

as-salaamu alaikum,

I wonder how you're doing. I hope everything is ok with you, inshaallah.

ummufatmah

Anonymous said...

I don't understand why you can't find your own husband? You don't live in a war torn area that has left you a widow do you? You are clearly causing distress to this poor woman. You are doing her no favor in "convincing" him to stay so that you can take half of him from her. How nice of you. :( There are Islamic marriage sites that have many SINGLE men looking to wed, why don't you find someone on there that is actually available? We are Muslim and my husband does not believe in Polygomy except in the strict sense of the Quran, where it is nessesitated by an abundance of widows and orphans.

Bilqees said...

ASSALAMU ALAYKUM

Me, being a first wife and reading your post,makes me rage with fury!

It's very easy for the second wife to do,feel and say the things you say,because you're not the one who had to give up half the time you're used to spending with your husband,YOU GAINED!


If 2nd,3rd and 4th wives could just learn to take the back seat once in a while and not make their presence known so overbearingly,...then i'm sure many a 1st wife's heart would soften.

And yes,pain is pain,but my goodness!!yours compared to hers is worlds apart!

And yes,cw's like to say "it's my right just like hers",but remember,forcing your rights on anyone wont bring you happiness.If you can compromise at the beginning it will only make things better for you in the long run,BIQUDRATILLAH.

And my dear sister,your husband does'nt need you to tell him not to devorce his 1st wife,he would have done it if he wanted to just like he did what he wanted when he married you.

Allahu a'lam.

Wassalaam