Sunday, May 25, 2008

POSITIVE(experiences via) POLYGYNY

When reading my subject header for my Blog entry it almost read like a oxymoron of sorts and I had to sit back and have a small giggle to myself as at the very same time I had to somewhat reassure myself that I am still trodding on the right path.

Allow me to leave a brief introduction as I have yet to share any details as to who I am although I will still remain somewhat anonymous until I feel like revealing myself(if that day will ever arise).
- I am a 30 year old Widow and Mother to three children, my late Husband preferred to basically have me under "lock & key" and to be honest, I preferred for it to be that way leaving very little decisions for me to make.
*edited to say that it is the will of Allah(swt) for a Husband to take care of his Wife and Family, not to condone a Husband controlling every move that his Wife makes, so allow for me to remove confusion and to add clarity!

He(my late Husband) had our lives planned out and provided for us in the way that a good Husband should and which is outlined by Allah(swt).
One of my Grandfathers is Muslim(oh, I neglected to mention that my family is interfaithed)and also embraced his Islamic right as a Man to have more then one Wife; so the whole entire idea of Co-Wives weren't entirely foreign to me and yet weren't explored enough to be honest as I always took for granted my multiple Grandmothers presence throughout my upbringing and I guess since I saw them all co-habitat with one another I never sensed the marital arrangements as being outside of the "norm".

FAST FORWARD to almost 3 years ago when I first "met" my soon-to-be Husband, he was very timid, respectful and careful as per him getting to know me somewhat and to approach me when asking to be his Wife. We spent a couple of years getting to know one another via letters and more letters, I felt and still do feel that this was the best plan for us(not necessarily for others, but then again this is about me right?!).
We both tried our best to remain honest and open with one another because our friendship meant a lot to one another and we didn't want to taint it with untruths; so when I was informed that he had taken a Wife to himself I had mixed feelings...yes, she became his Wife before I had any inkling as to his existence, but deep down I was wary of my emotional reserves and so I turned to the knowledgeable wisdom of my Grandfather in regards to the possibility of me becoming a Co-Wife and if my Grandfather was in approval of this possibility; he was supportive of such and gave me his blessing prior to his untimely death.. on the premise that my future Husband would be able to emotionally, psychologically, financially and psychically take care of me as his future Wife.


So as I was saying; the thought of being a Wife to a Man who already has a Wife and could possibly have others after me wasn't a thought/concept that I came to a conclusion about overnight, it involved thorough questioning of myself and both of our intentions not to mention that I am a Mother of 3 children and I had to consider their emotions/feelings whilst considering such a proposal.

Thoughts entered my mind ranging from "is this the right decision for me to make" to "will he be able to provide for both of his Wives as is outlined by Allah(swt)", "will he speak to his Wife about me in advance and will we both be given the opportunity to speak with one another Woman-to-Woman", not to mention that children are involved and as innocent as they are they are in need of being protected and so we both took our time which is clearly stated that we should have avoided drawing out the "whole getting to know you" process because as the time feelings for my future Husband grew strong and such feelings were reciprocated and so we both came to the conclusion that we MUST move forward to Marriage as soon as possible.
During the period of time that we got to know one another, it was announced to me that he was to become a Father and to be honest hearing that news broke my heart in two, not saying that it wasn't the right/duty of his Wife to bear his child..but deep down inside I wished that he made a honest Woman of me during the beginning of us getting to know one another so that I could have felt as if I was standing on firmer ground and could perhaps extend my hand to help her during the pregnancy and healing period and spend that time to get to know her and of course vice-versa, but *sigh* that simply wasn't the case and part of me regrets the extended time which has elapsed when such thoughts come to mind.

I know that I am a good Woman and appreciate and acknowledge my self-worth, I ensured that I completed my post-secondary education should my children have to solely depend upon me. I work in the Entertainment Industry and have said goodbye to the industry, about 98% of my friends, my once flourishing social life; due to how loyal my ties are when it comes down to marriage and yet I feel as if I am making more sacrifices then that of my Husband-to-be.
Don't get me wrong, he is a kind-spirited Man who has almost gone above and beyond to establish a sense of security and I appreciate that and yet I still remain the Woman whom he plans to marry and not yet his Wife(although as of late it has been my fault in which we have not become married yet which would lead to another Blog entry completely).

I guess it was the various thoughts and emotions regarding me becoming a Co-Wife which led me to visiting the Google search engine and in turn which led me to this website and to read other Wives who were tied to Polygyny-type Marriages; in which I am grateful for modern technology which has enabled me to read the thoughts and concerns of others before me and also provides me with a "medium" in which I can vent away and also ask questions and receive criticism as others see fit.

As Day#2 approaches of venting and expressing on my newly created Blog, I welcome all to leave me a comment or 2 (smiles).



Anonymous said...

I am a 30 year old Widow and Mother to three children, my late Husband preferred to basically have me under "lock & key" and to be honest, I preferred for it to be that way leaving very little decisions for me to make as he already had our lives planned out and provided for us in the way that a good Husband should and which is outlined by Allah(swt).

Sister I'm sorry but keeping you under lock and key is NOT outlined by Allah SWT. When writing these things you should provide proof, as someone might think this is's not.

gr8fultohimswt said...


I hear you Sister and made corrections to make it clearer so that yourself and others would be able to understand where I am coming from!..I would never, never say that it was outlined by Allah(swt) that a Man should have his Wife controlled in the way that my Husband did...but rather I was trying to stress that he was a good person and took care of me and my children as Allah(swt) informed Men to do.

Again, my apologies for the confusion.

3rd... said...

hi gr8ful! I see you are looking for somewhat more balanced views of polygyny, I am 3rd wife of 4 - and I am quite happy with my life. Feel free to stop by my blog any time, I will definitely be checking in with u on a regular basis. So keep blogging!

Anonymous said...

i wonder why my comment was not approved. it was just an advise, well, i wish you the best in this world and the next.

gr8fultohimswt said...

No no Sister..I was not online and so I am apologizing once me it was not intentional, I came to this site looking for advice!