Sunday, June 8, 2008

Some FEARS of being a Co-Wife

Not really into the whole "cheery cheerful" frame of thought today....and so my entry today will be about MANY thoughts and fears that have been bouncing around in my head as of late...are YOU ready?!

  • In a matter of less then 7 weeks I will become a Co-Wife to my Husband and I have yet to have met his Wife(which hasn't left me with the easiest of feelings), although he has explained to me time and time again his thoughts of wanting to wait until after we are wed to do the introductions to "make things easier transition wise".
  • We've come a long way in regards to expressing our fears and concerns, I just need to work on not taking it as a direct diss/insult and rather just him needing/wanting to vent.
  • I have told him to please stop "Dumping" the negatives of his marriage on me because it puts me in a awkward position and how am I to know when and if that will happen to me one day in regards to our personal affairs being shared with her.
  • I feel slighted in a way because many of his concerns he has NOT addressed with her(and yet continues to do it with me, with his excuse being that she has not met me yet) in any way, shape nor form and yet finds it so easy to discuss terms of marriage dissolution should it boil down to it in regards to division of property and finances and yet he has not outlined that in his marriage contract with his Wife...so how does this seem fair?! I simply told him that he will remain financially bound to children of him no matter if from his Wife or me as his Wife as well..I could not expect for him to pay for other costs; especially if I will be looking for another Husband should it come to that.
  • I have been putting almost 99.2% of my energies into ensuring that we are placing a suitable foundation in place prior to entering into our marriage but there are some VERY trying times that I can't seem to shake that easily and it makes me upset... I just want for her to know me, mind you she knows of me because he told her..BUT we have not spoken~
  • Now unless we are all to live underneath one roof(which I do not see happening anytime soon); how are we to divide time?
  • Does she get 2 weeks and I get 2 weeks with the exception of birthdays and special occasions?
  • What happens when one of us wants to get pregnant, how do we work being able to get him at our house(s) during those vital fertility days? And when one of us delivers; is the other to attend the hospital and offer to make meals and help out with the child(ren)?
*e-screams*...so many thoughts to ponder..

33 comments:

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

THose are alot of things to think about but start small make small goals. now I do not think you neccessarily need to talk to her...let her come to you but I do think he needs to tell her about you...and let her decide if she wants to have a relationship with you. For some women its hard for others not so hard but she needs to be able to make the decision herself. Make sure you tell him that....if she decides she wants to know you then great get to know her but do NOT push yourself on her. Let her come to you.....

Anonymous said...

as-salaamu alaikum,

i'm currently in a polygynous marriage, too.
i think your worries are very justified. two things worry me the most from your list. one, that he doesn't want you to meet his wife yet, and two that he talks to you about the problems in his marriage to her. As a first wife, i found it very comforting that my hysband insisted i meet my cw before the marriage to ensure that we could get along. so i don't see how not allowing you two to meet would "make things easier transition wise". And his problems with her, are HIS problems with HER, they should not concern you. he needs to disscuss things with his current wife. his refusal to let you two meet and to involve her in the process at all makes me fearful that she is not accepting of the situation, and he's trying to avoid dealing with her until his marriage to you is done.
I'm not trying to scare you, and I sincerely hope I'm wrong, but I just get a little apprehensive whenever I hear of secrecy, or of husbands trying to keep the wives from talking to each other.
as far as the issues of division of time and such, that depends on your personal circumstances, but unless you will live far from each other, alternating two weeks at a time seems like an awful long time to me.
Please forgive me if I have said anything offensive or hurtful, my intention is only to help.
anything of good from what I've said is from Allah and anything of bad, is from myself and shaitan.

allah maaki, ukhti

ummu fatmah

The Pastoral Princess said...

It does seem to be a very daunting prospect, not having met the first wife. I can't see how this is supposed to make it easier on either of you?? Does he know you would like to meet her?

gr8fultohimswt said...

As-salaamu Alaikum my dear Sister,

Sending you appreciation in advance for reading and commenting on my blog entry~ Me not being able to approve your comments until now were not intentional..I just wasn't online until now..
Today was a busy day as I had a last minute Dentist appointment sprung on me in addition to me figuring out how to increase my household income(sigh).

But on to what you have written!! That is TRULY wonderful that you are so understanding as to the relationship between yourself and your CW..honestly it makes me smile very much as I like to hear of positive outcomes within polygynous marriages to kinda balance out some of the negative ones if you get my intent.

YES!!! Finally someone who agrees with me..I too feel the very same way, as if I am to be placed in hiding and I do not like that feeling at all. AND again YES!!!! I do agree that within each marriage and/or household..the private matters..should remain just that..PRIVATE!!

YOU have not offended me at all and to be honest you are speaking from your inner-self so even if you did offend me...personal thoughts and feelings can often do that and I am fine with that..I have somewhat come to expect such one of these days..hopefully never though..lol

Blessings

gr8fultohimswt said...

@ the pastoral princess,

Thanks for visiting!! I appreciate it.

Well no, it does not leave a settling feeling from within as all because I don't want to be made felt nor looked upon as if I am doing the worst thing possible or even in hiding if you get my drift and yet I am left waiting..

Well yes, I have mentioned it to him as per my interest to meet her and speak with her even if via e-mail I would be fine with that and would not want to push myself on her as a fellow Sister via this blogger website had advised of me..just wanting to kinda turn the polygynous key into the lock and open up dialog..now if that ending part wasn't chalked full of metaphors then I don't know what would be..that wasn't intentional..(shaking my head)

ALSO..I brought it up to him yesterday during communications that I would REALLY like to e-mail her or have her e-mail me and he mentioned that he is going to make this possible...so I am holding my breath until this happens.

3rd... said...

It's hard to judge as your husband does not really seem to be honest about why he isn't introducing you. I hope with e-mailing you will be able to understand if it's her wish for it to be so, or his.

My word of advice would be - put first things first. Don't make yourself crazy wondering about what will happen when either of you wants to get pregnant and with the delivery of the babies.. if you go start like that you will find there are thousands of things to think about and you can not resolve any of them now, as it all depends of how you and first and your husband handle the situation.

So focus on making sure your entry into the marriage is as honest and respecting as possible toward first. I would advise you to take a day and just really try to imagine yourself being married with your husband for some years and then all of sudden being confronted with a second wife. Try to imagine how she feels, what her worries are, and try to address them when you talk/e-mail with her. If you start by talking about your own fears and frustrations and difficulties with being second it will be very hard to connect and for her tot trust you.

Make sure she knows you understand her pain, are not there to hurt her, or take away her husband, will not be fighting for his attention, and will fully accept the fact that you are sharing him.

Your wish should be to make it as easy as possible on her since as a woman you surely understand that she is hurting and insecure because of this. Ask her what she wishes or expects from you to make it work.

With genuine intentions and compassion it will work out fine eventually.

bestfamily said...

I wish I knew where to begin. I am not in a polygomist relationship. I do not think that for me and my personal beliefs that it is right, but I will not stand by and say that what you and your family, and faith say are right for you is wrong. To each his own. I did find some things on your list troubling though. Even if it were not your unique situation. First the not meeting the 1st wife just sounds fishy. Wouldn't it be easier for you guys to meet, make sure ya get along, and then move forward. Seeing as you are to be a family together and all. I would feel as if he was ashamed of me. And like the first commentor...His issues with his wife are his issues with her. You should really sit down and say that you don't want to know his problems with her unless she feels okay with you knowing. Also another concern I found would be the seting up of some kind of paperwork that states what should happen should the "marriage" not work. Even if it is just something you guys signed before a notary. I hope you don't mind me butting in!

I really just popped in to say thanks for visiting the Love is... blog and hope to see you around there some more. Please let me know if you would have preffered me mind my own business. If not, I plan on checking in on you every so often!

UmmAbdur-Rahmaan said...

I so thought I posted a comment here.... :(

TheAngryMuslimah said...

Salaam,

My name is Nasiriyah. I used to go by the blog name TheAngryMuslimah.......which I have disabled

and speaking as a cowife......and a second wife.......

DO NOT AND I REPEAT DO NOT MARRY ANY MAN WHO CAN'T INTRODUCE YOU TO HIS OTHER WIFE.....THAT SHOULD SEND UP RED FLAGS.....does he not care for her or their family...or her feelings...enough to give her the time and chance to decide if this life is for her....it's sneaky and devious

IT WILL NOT BE ANY EASIER ON HER THEN OR NOW...BUT IT IS MOST RESPECTFUL, CONSIDERATE, AND SHOWS HE VALUES YOU AND HER BY YOU TwO MEETING.

AND THE EXCUSES HE HAS ARE JUST THAT
EXCUSES... EXCUSES....... EXCUSES

IT is secrecy and a deceitful a way to start off a marriage. Stop thinking about love, and companionship, half of our deen and all the other hoopla for a minute.

Would you want him to do that to you?

Who's to say a few years from now he won't do that to you?

What goes around comes around...

And I dont like hearing it's a mans right.to do such... sure it is his right but not a requirement as some men think....and definitley not a way to have halaal " intimate relations" with other women as it seems to be now a days..I can imagine millions of men on Judgement day with half of their bodies dragging down because of thier unfairness to their wives... ..

but anywho back to my original thought it is also a womans right not to be involved and he doesnt seem to care enough to tell his wife... so she can deicde for herself.

Don't assist any man in hurting another muslimah or any woman for that matter.

When you dig one grave dig two...
that same thing he did to her he can and most likely will do to you.

My sister I dont want to bring your hapiness down just really trying to let you know...what is really going on.......

DO you know how hard this really is....time, money, shedules, kids, love, feelings, eqality, jealousy, spitfulness, anomosity, caring, devotion, fairness....and I feel all these things in one day.....

oh the pain of sedning you husband off to be with someone else...I have died a thousand times....already....

I am devoted to my hubby like most women are to their hubby's.....He is my world.....but his world is not just me....its me and her.... and his.......he never has to share my love...my dreams...my devotion...but I have to share his and by sharing his.....I have to live hers as well...

My marriage seems to be running smoothly....but I think they key is honesty communication and most of all Allah(swt) and true and pure intentions. My husband tries....and he fails sometimes as most men will and should...it is so difficult....my sister...

If my hubby would have said I couldnt have meet his wife........ha ha ha..he wouldnt have been my husband......sounds sneaky to me....And what decent man is willing to risk his family he has had for so long only to aquire one that's no his.....

Just be sure.......As Safa would say this is a roller coster.....

Its so serious and creates more problems that good fruits because of the people abusing it.......

I am not telling you what to do...or telling you how to feel just choose wisely and think carefully...

I will keep you and your family and my prayers....and my thoughts...

I love you for the sake of Allah(swt) and may you be blessed....


Nasi


If you ever want to talk

theangrymuslimah@gmail.com

TheAngryMuslimah said...

Ummm I did to.........oh well never again.......lol

gr8fultohimswt said...

Please know that I did not approve the comment NOT BECAUSE I didn't want to but because I wasn't sure if it was of private concern for my eyes alone..that is all please believe me..I'm sorry.

gr8fultohimswt said...

@ ummabdur-rahmaan

I quoted your advice in my blog entry or perhaps it was in one of the replies..it was a very good piece of advice and I from time to time remind myself to adhere to it.

Thanks once again my sister

gr8fultohimswt said...

@ 3rd..

Thanks for your patience..I had NO idea that blogging would turn out to be SOOOO interactive..

Yes, I hear you still re: him being honest about our future martial union. I truly hope that our e-mails will be at least a starting point as one is really needed!

YOU are so right with not worrying about what I had mentioned for now..as there are other issues which need to be addressed, I don't really know why my mind was running off like that(sigh.

To be perfectly honest I really and truly have been placing myself in his Wife's shoes and this is why it bothers me so much..I don't want to seem like some hidden secret coming into their already existing marriage to destroy her life as it were or anything even remotely close to that..I've been mentioning it to him quite a few times and it is slowly but surely making sense to him.... It was stated to me that he spoke with his Wife and told her basic information about me such as my age, location and that I am a widow(give or take more information but I am not exactly sure what else has been said to be honest with you).
AND WITH THAT I have felt a bit better..but as I mentioned I would like to still speak with her or at least communicate via e-mail messages so at least my mind could be put at some kinda rest knowing that some words were exchanged no matter if positive or negative. Even now as I am typing my reply I have just sent him communications in regards to how strongly I feel about what you have mentioned and how I feel and he told me that he IS going to ARRANGE it!! I am sooo hyper right now with relief!

I truly appreciate the points that you have listed re: making sure that I am compassionate to where she is coming from and what she might be feeling and I feel that is best as well

Blessings!!!

gr8fultohimswt said...

@ TheAngryMuslimah,

Salaam my sister and I am in deep appreciation of you visiting my blog.

YES!! I saw your blog account from a couple of weeks ago and would visit from time to time to see if you have enabled it..I am very pleased to see that you have paid me a visit..wow!

The red flags have been waving in my mind re: not being able to speak with his Wife..I mean my Grandfather has more then one Wife and one of them was more or less just presented to the family without any warning and it took YEARSSSS for all of us to get use to her presence and we did not make it easy for one of my Grandmother at all, so I certainly understand where you are coming from with your advice!

I agree..the excuses are getting "old"..it will never be a easy discussion to have with his Wife..but it NEEDS to be said/discussed A.S.A.P

I do not want it to seem as if I am being selfish my sister because I am not..I have already thought deeply about how it will be to share him and to also offer assistance to his Wife should she need that of me and also some future heated discussions.

I seriously understand how difficult the balancing act can be within a polygynous marriage mainly because I was indirectly raised in one via my Grandfather..oddly enough I too am experiencing many associated emotions and not even officially his Wife as yet..I am doing my best to keep a level-head but at times it gets crazy.

When you had written:

"oh the pain of sending you husband off to be with someone else...I have died a thousand times....already...."

- When I read what you wrote my heart broke in 2, so much raw emotions were felt in your statement and my heart goes out to you and at the same time YOU are lucky to be in a marriage where you are loved.

Thanks so much Nasi

From, Adel

Anonymous said...

I think it is great that you are thinking of these things at all! So many of us can not see the "forest for the trees" and can not not get past the fact that they now have to share!
May Allah bless you and keep you all safe. Maybe if you live close enough, your husband can alternate days or you can ask for your ovulation days and trade some other days. I think I am prejudiced since I have two friends that are making it work and I look to them for my example. I think your husband should let you meet before the wedding so you know if your two personalities will meld or not and give you an idea how much time you want to spend with her :-).

gr8fultohimswt said...

@ anonymous,

as-salaamu alaikum to you my Sister.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal..life has its ups and certainly its downs and being in a polygynous marriage shouldn't be any different..BUT at least we as fellow Sisters are communicating and helping one another.

I totally agree with you about our personalities and didn't even factor that into the equation..I was too busy thinking about what would be best for all not thinking that we could possibly "clash"..and if that should be the case then YES of course and as you said I will have to figure out how much time to spend with/around her..I'm hoping that eventually we will become some kind of "friends"..maybe its just wishful thinking *sigh*

Blessings

Mumina said...

Asalaam alaikum,

Yes, as a former first wife with this experience, I have to agree that you must meet his wife before marrying him inshaAllah. Trust me. I am now divorced after a very very bitter 5 months of polygyny my former husband sprung on me right when we seemed so happy after overcoming previous trials.

Next to the pain of your husband hurting you, the pain of knowing that the woman he married did not respect you or your children, and solely cared about getting the man to be her husband at any cost is just so heart-wrenching. Of course it is not likely that the other woman ever really thought that way, so vicious, but that is how it can FEEL to the first wife. My former co-wife never called me once, even to this day. Never. It drove me crazy, I wondered how this sister could be like that? Allah knows best, but you want to start out with her knowing that you respect her, inshaAllah.

All the best.

gr8fultohimswt said...

Salaam,

@ Mumina..I totally hear what you are sayin in regards to his Wife and myself being able to somewhat meet with one another and communicate..according to what I was told he has spoken about his intent up to a couple of days ago in regards to us marrying, but I would still rather be able to put MY OWN WORDS to use in order to let her know where I am coming from and to also hear where she is coming from.

Oddly enough I have almost been there from the beginning years of his marriage as a long-distance friend, so it comes with many mixed feelings from all sides.

vena said...

sister I do not advise you in ANY way to get with a brother who has a wife that you have not met. Do not believe for a second that it will be easier for her if she finds out after the fact. She will feel betrayed and this will always pose as a gap between you and her. I am a little alarmed at the fact that he complains about their problems with you. You are right....he will do the same to you later down the line. You need to speak with her. You cannot just take his side of things. There are two people involved in the marriage and you are only getting the side of the person who's interest is at stake. If polygyny is to work then he must respect his wife. If he respects her then he will respect you. The way he treats her is the model of how he will treat you. I am speaking from experience sister. Do not go into it without talking to her first. She will effect your life in some way or another and you have the right to know who you will be sharing your husband with and she has the right to know as well. Put yourself in her shoes....How would you feel if you were her and he was doing what he is doing? You do not need her permission, but you do not want her as your enemy either because that can take a toll on your marriage. That is just my advice coming to you as the first wife. May Allah bless you with only what is good.
p.s.
Please do not forget to make istikhara.

Anonymous said...

Asalamu Walaikum Sis,
I would like to comment on this phenomenom that I have seen many, mant times--A sister's prospective husband refuses, denies or insists that she does not talk to his current wife.
Firstly (and Allah forgive me where I am wrong)the prospective spouses do not have any rights over each other, other than the rights of the Muslims--ie salams and such. He can not tell her what to do. He is not her mahrum and any many cases this is an inappropriate relationship where the prospectives are freely and openly speaking with each other without proper witnesses. As a side I cannot imagine how fully that must hurt the current wife to know (or later find out) that the husband has been having this inappropriate relationship while she is maintaining halal with him.
Secondly I find it strange that the prospective sister, for whatever reason, does fail to contact the current wife. There is nothing inappropriate about two Muslim women speaking to each other unless one's husband has insisted she not talk to the other. In the circumstance where a prospective co-wife would like to speak to the current wife that would be very questionable to ban the current wife from speaking to the prospective since there are only a few affairs where by Muslims can speak about each other--prospective spouses being one of them similarly to business dealings being another.
The current wife would be the best person to know how a brother behaves as a husband. And there may be the crux of why he would not want them to speak--but again he does not have the right to deny the prospective to speak to anyone as he does not have rights over her other than the few we all have over each other. And why any sister would be "obidient" to a man she is not married to seems very odd.
Love and Peace,
~Brooke AKA Ummbadier

PM said...

I think it's great you are giving all these things some thought. It is only normal to have some very serious concerns -- especially with the number of flags that are waving. The more you can agree on things beforehand, the better chance your marriage has.

I find it of concern that he has not been honest with his first wife. You are right to realize you might be in that same situation one day. I also find it odd that you are suggesting you will get only 1/3 of his time. The man is supposed to split his nights equally between wives in Islamic polygyny. You can give up some of your time but know that your marriage needs every chance for success and that can only be done with spending time with your husband -- especially in the early years.

I find it extremely problematic that he talks about his other wife to you. And yes, he very well may wind up doing the same thing with regard to you as soon as the honeymoon phase is over.

My advice, if you wnat to make polygyny to work is to make sure he is completely fair with time and money, and respect the privacy of each marriage.

Salaam,
PM

TheAngryMuslimah said...

Brooke,

I thought about the obedient thing to........but I didn't comment. Hopefully she meant Allah(swt). I always give the sisters the benefit of the doubt.

Umm Fawlaana said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
gr8fultohimswt said...

@ vena

THANKS SO MUCH for your visit to my blog, your entries have inspired me many times and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with us my sister.

Yes, I agree with you about us not meeting to a certain extent..what I mean is that she cannot be forced to meet me in person, but I would like occasional contact with her via e-mail or perhaps even one day phone conversations to narrow the gap.

Yes, it disturbed me as well and since mentioning it to him, he has ceased to bring the concerns of the marriage to me and I am so relieved!!!! I never took his side of the story though and always remained partial..also stressing where she might be coming from and might be upset about...but in all I do hear you and appreciate your words deeply!

Respect is mandatory, I do agree and have been keeping it in mind so much to the point that I have vented(not only on a blog but also to him and of course have prayed to Allah(swt) about it), she is as much a part of my life as he is and that is why I have always included all parties in my worries.

As per putting myself in her shoes, I have considered her thoughts and feelings many times more then I have that of my own in SO many ways and will continue to do so as I want to be able to have some sort of sister-friendship with her..I just want things to be done in some sort of a order.
And if the tables were turned I would want him to come to me as soon as those thoughts were to arise..the difference is that when he has attempted; she does not want to entertain such thoughts at all and since it is to happen I would just want for her to know that I am here..

I *appreciate* you taking the time to pay me a visit and to advise me Vena more then words can truly express..I have made note to make istikhara, one of my Grandmothers has stressed this to me many times and YOU are correct!

Salaam my sister

gr8fultohimswt said...

Salaam my sister,

re: Ummbadier

I hear you regards what you wrote about a sister's prospective husband refusing the communication levels between his Wife and her to exist, it doesn't work/sit with me.

You are right once again..even when I was speaking with both of my Grandmothers and they were reflecting as to how I allowed my late Husband to treat me by sayin that I do not have to obey not a sole other then Allah(swt) and for some reason it didn't click when I was married..I blame this on my late Husband's controlling ways.

Well, we only spoke on the phone when he asked me to be his Wife, our intentions have been true but it is this that bothers me and no matter how aware I am that the Husband does not have to inform his current Wife that he is to take on additional Wives, it does disturb me hence me bringing it up to him as I do not want to be kept as some sort of a secret if you get my drift. Nor would I wish the same for myself no any other CW who would want to be made aware of a change in her marriage structure.

Well, I do have her e-mail address..but it was not given to me so I would feel out of sorts contacting her without him notifying her that I would like to do so.. I haven't been told that we can not speak..but rather when he is ready for it to happen..which again is REALLY bothering me..BUT TO UPDATE..he claims that we will be discussing with one another before the ending of this month inshAllah..

We've known him approx. for almost the same length of time, not saying that I wouldn't be able to learn any additional traits from her..and who knows we could most likely enlighten one another..just want to get this weight off of my chest/back..

Salaam

gr8fultohimswt said...

@ PM,

It's not that he hasn't been honest with her, it's that I would prefer us speaking with one another and he was taking his sweet time in making that happen. He has been telling her about me and before I put a stop to him communicating to be about their conversations, I was able to hear about how she was taking being told.

And to be honest I am not against him taking on another Wife in the future, I would just want to be informed of her existence and communicate even if via a e-mail..the difference between myself and his Wife is that polygyny isn't anything new to me and it is to her, he was interested in such before they got married but didn't mention it to her..and although I personally feel that he shoulda..he didn't until as of late including announcing his intentions of marrying me.

Well there is a child involved in their marriage, but after reading what you wrote and also speaking with my Grandmothers*who are also in a polygynous marriage*, I see your point and it is very valid, I do need to ensure that my marriage to him will have a chance and will have to speak with him about time splitting more realistically then what I had thought was on-point.

I find it extremely problematic that he talks about his other wife to you. And yes, he very well may wind up doing the same thing with regard to you as soon as the honeymoon phase is over.

->YES, I do also feel the very same way and hence why I have been stressing it.. I am aware of the honeymoon phase when things aren't as exciting as they once were and the novelty wears off...I would never mention what is said to me to her, but I can not say that I know that she would not do the same and in all as I have mentioned I do not feel comfortable with knowing her business and their marital affairs.

I am in deepest appreciation PM, many thanks my sister.

Salaam

gr8fultohimswt said...

Salaam,

Sisters I am assuming that your mention of me using the word/term "obedient" was used in another blog entry as it is not located here..

None the less I guess explaining where I was coming from would involve a new blog entry to enlighten a bit.. I owe nobody a thing and Allah(swt) everything, too bad when I was much younger I wasn't as clear.

gr8fultohimswt said...

as-salaamu alaikum umm fawlaana,

Oh I will not let this rest at all..and he knows and is aware of how I feel..

I just feel as you described in your entry to me, that all should be aligned in order to assure a smooth of a transition as possible as I have no intentions to let my upcoming marriage falter due to something that I feel can be avoided.

Thanks so much and I shall continue to ask Allah(swt) to aide me in my battle to block out Shaytan/Shaytaan.

Salaam

Anonymous said...

EDITED and copied and pasted by request:

as salaamu alaykum gr8tful,

I do encourage you to reach out to the sister, or let your wakil know that you will not marry the brother until you meet his wife. I had a mariage, like mumina, lasted 5 months, because the brother was very sneaky to his current family, and once we married, all H@ll broke lose with her, and he could not deal so he ended up trying to force me out of the marriage, alhamdulillah we are no longer together.

In regards to the feelings, a lot of things are easier if you and CW have a good relationship, then u guys can swap nights when needed, give them up when needed, and feel free to share with each other and not feel like you are in a constant competition.

Remember Allaah constantly, and when the Shayateen comes to you, seek refuge in Allaah, trust! The shaytaan will magnify things and make them to be what they are not!

my blog
http://hissecondwife.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Asalmau Walaikum Sis,
I didn't notice you use the term obedient. I am referring to your writings here about your behavior which I have seen other sisters also behave as such. If you read through some of the P-blog archives, you are bound to find this behavior as it is abundant. Here are examples of how I see--just through what you have shared here--that you are acting obidient:
Here you express that you want something and he has insisted on otherwise—you are being obedient to what he wants:
“I have yet to have met his Wife(which hasn't left me with the easiest of feelings), although he has explained to me time and time again his thoughts of wanting to wait until after we are wed to do the introductions to "make things easier transition wise".

This seems like the kind of behavior that happens in inappropriate private conversations sans wali, allahualim I do not know your situation this is a general, common problem in Muslim marriages (or pre-marriages)—
“I have told him to please stop "Dumping"

This is a continuation of the other two points I was trying to explain, again he is doing something you don’t seem to like and you relate it back to the fact that you have not met each other, which you clearly state you want to meet—that seems like a form of obedience or at least complacency:
“I feel slighted in a way because many of his concerns he has NOT addressed with her(and yet continues to do it with me, with his excuse being that she has not met me yet”

Here again you say you want one thing, but do not achieve it—why? Obedience to the prospective spouse’s desires?
“I just want for her to know me…BUT we have not spoken”

I am not making any assumptions about your situation sis, just pointing out what you have posted.
Love and Peace,
~Brooke AKA Ummbadier

gr8fultohimswt said...

@ Ummbadier

YOU are correct with all that you have said and I will be reading it(your response) over and over again..

Yes, via e-mail I have expressed that I would like to speak with his Wife if even just for a small moment in time..we refrain from speaking on the phone with the exception of when he asked me to be his Wife.

When I said that I owe nobody anything, I was moreso referring to my late Husband in which the reference by the other Sister was mentioned with me using the term in another blog entry.

Overall thanks very much for addressing the aforementioned.

Salaam my sister

Mumina said...

Salaams! I just happened to pass by this post again, lots more conversation! I just wanted to say in response to a post by anonymous who said she had a marriage that lasted 5 months like me...just to clarify, my marriage was almost 7 years. The "P" part of it was 5 miserable months and then I was done!

Just to clear that up :)

Ana said...

As Salaamu Alaikum Sister,

I just found your blog by way of a Google search; I thank Allah SWT. Ummu Fatmah was right on point about husbands not wanting the wives to meet. Anyhow, that was my situation. I might have missed the answer; so, please let me know whether it still applies to your situation as well. Now that you’ve been married a while, I'm assuming you know the truth.

I live polygamy and before my husband married his other wife, he wouldn't let her and I communicate with one another. He feared I would sabotage his marriage to her. Immediately after the marriage, I learned she hadn't accepted that he was married and wanted to pretend I didn't exist. When she and I did begin communicating, it was cat fight, all by way of voice mail messages and text.

Insha Allah, I'm going to continue reading your posts. I'm beginning to see some of my experiences are very similar to other sisters. The Internet is a wonderful connection.

I pray Allah SWT continues to bless us immensely!
Ana